Started BCP’s again for a January frozen transfer. I’m kind of bla about it. It has been an insane hellish month…. transfer and being gone a full week, moving and the chaos and headache that comes with it, learning the transfer failed, dealing with a pile of extra weight from the steroids I’ve been pumping into my body, expenses, the horrifying death of my best friends 2-year-old ( a piece of sunshine that I got to meet at the moment of his birth), traveling all over for that and the insane stresses that follow, and now what the hell. It seems it’s almost Christmas time.
So yah. It’s been just unreal. Really too insane to detail, because most of it I just don’t want to think about. But! I started BCP’s yesterday to try again to make a Mama in January. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.
Ava and Amelia are beautiful. That new little family is beautiful. Right now, that seems to be all I can focus on, so I will get the birth story out, it will just be in bits and pieces.
As you all know I had very much wanted to have a “natural” labor with these two. My OB, on the other hand, was VERY insistent on an epidural. Because of my birthing history ( fast! ) he was also very insistent as to how soon I get that epidural. Grrrr. So I was allowed to labor naturally for a while.. well as naturally as one can on Pitocin.. then he broke my water. I was three centemeters dilated. At that time we also placed an internal monitor on Ava’s head to keep track of her pulse rate. I was allowed to get off the bed and bounce on my birthing ball because her rate was nicely documented for the staff, so YAY to no more being stuck in bed laboring!! Alas, soon after I was dilated to a 6 so an epidural was ordered. Luckily I had an AWESOME anesthesiologist who gave me a super light epidural.. a compromise with my OB. I had laughed and joked with the peanut gallery in attendance earlier in the day that we’d have the babies by 3:45, but I got that epidural at 3pm and was only dilated to a six at that time……. so you can imagine my surprise when, half an hour later, I could very clearly feel a little head pushing back at me! I’d had a handful of great doozy contractions but because of the light epi and the past few months of constant BH contractions, I hadn’t really paid attention to all the smaller contractions I was getting. I sent my husband down the hall to get the nurse, as that rectal-pressure feeling is quite clear. She checked me and yep! Fully dilated, fully effaced, baby head RIGHT THERE!! It was time to gown up and head to the operating room, go have some babies!
Left to right: Best friend Franay, my goofy yet indispensable husband, and P-Daddy all ready for the action!
*What if I “give in” and don’t put up a huge fight about getting the epidural? Will I feel ashamed/regret about that decision later?
*What if the nursing staff make this unique situation feel awkward? Shuffle myself, my husband, or P-Daddy to the side?
*What if I get nauseous and throw up?
*What if I feel too embarrassed to labor naturally with others in the room?
*What if I feel too embarrassed to labor with pain meds and others in the room?
*What if there is a problem with one of the ladies?
*What if I have to have a c-section?
*What if I poo on the table??! ( I have been sick…..)
*What if I don’t get good photos to document this grand finale?
*What if I do? Am I allowed to glory in them?
*What if having the post-baby body without the…baby… is totally depressing?
*What if nursing twins is just too hard.. physically, emotionally? Will I beat myself up about that?
*What if I’m embarrassed ( because damn, am I awkward at first) nursing the ladies?
*What if it all goes perfectly……………
*What am I supposed to do, be, advocate for, dream about, live……… tomorrow? Is it OK if I don’t know, right now?
Cousin: Wow, your Mommy has a big belly!
Daughter: P-Daddies babies are in there.
Cousin: P-Daddies babies? Are you gonna have a new baby?
Daughter: TWO babies! No, they’re P-Daddies babies.
Cousin: Two babies?! Are they going to sleep in your room?
Daughter: No, they don’t live here. But I get to sing to them! And maybe hold them! Sometime!
Cousin: Oh! Can I jump on your bed?