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Category Archives: News

Well, Shit.

16 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in Journey #3, News, surrogacy, surrogate

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

cycling, Emotions, Gestational Surrogacy, Reality, waiting

I guess that IS what a 19 actually looks like… a 19 that has fallen from higher numbers.

 Todays result: 8.6

It didn’t work. A “chemical pregnancy” or just an embie that didn’t want to stick around, either way it totally BLOWS. Also, this e-mail from the clinic didn’t make me feel any better:

 We definitely need to go over the cycle and see why we did not conceive

Which feels very much like an accusation, but I’m sure it’s just standard procedure. Not that my brain knowing that will pull the hurt out of my heart any. I just REALLY wanted this to work. Really. And it didn’t. And I don’t know what I could have done to make work. All I know is my body didn’t grow this baby, and that is just SUCH a crappy feeling.

GAH.

ABC’s of Me

21 Sunday Jun 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in IComLeavWe, News

≈ 23 Comments

I’m totally stealing this idea from a fellow IComLeavWe writer….

Animated. Seriously, spend two seconds in my presence and you’ll be fending off flapping hands.
Babies. I love how they smell. Not just my own, all babies have this amazing smell. If it weren’t offensive I’m sure I’d just go around sniffing other peoples children.
Children. I have two and have birthed four. I have a thing for children.
Dog. I have one. His name is Muppet and he’s a poodle mix & the smartest yet most dopey animal I’ve ever owned. He drives me bonkers.
Education. I never went to college although I did passing well in high school, and I’m not sure I ever will. My passions don’t seem to lead that way, so only time will tell.
Family. My biggest passion and most favorite advocacy platform.
Grown In My Heart. The awesome adoption/alternative family building website I’ve begun writing at.
Home hunter. After years renting, my family is on a quest to be home owners again, hopefully this fall!
Infertility. I was very briefly touched by this little blend of hell and it made a profound difference in how I see the world.
Jaymee. The woman I hope to help make into a Mama, and someone who inspires me.
Knotts Berry Farm. I am a closet adrenaline junkie and LOVE the roller coasters at Knotts. I can’t wait for my children to be old enough to go!
Lupron. I start injections in just over a month and am nervous. Pathetically nervous.
Mother. It’s more then just raising children, but is so all-encompassing that there is no better way to describe it.
Nincompoop. Oh come on. It’s a fun word!
Optimistic. Not only is the glass always half full, I’m sure I can find some “happy” around here somewhere for your glass as well..
Photography. My favorite artistic outlet. I’m not great, but I love it so much that the quality isn’t that important.
Queen of the Mess. I’m not a tidy person. Actually that’s wrong. I, myself, am rather tidy. But my children and husband are not. So my house is in a constant state of mess. And I am the queen.
Restless. I’ve moved 15 times in the last 11 years. I just can’t seem to hold still, although I have told my children that our next home will be our “forever” home ( so I’ll aim to stay put for at least 5 years)
Surrogacy. My newest passion and something I’m excited I’m able to do.
Twins. My beautiful surro daughters, twins, were born on December 29th 2008 and I love them to pieces.
Unconditional. The love I have for my husband. There is nothing, literally nothing, that man could do that would dent my love for him.
Vampires. I am pathetically addicted to the Stephanie Meyer  vampire series. It’s a very sad thing. I read the books at least twice a month.
Writer.I’m not great, and I’m definitely not frequent, but when I get the right inspiration nothing gives me a creative outlet like writing.
X-Linked Ichthyosis. A genetic condition my husband suffers that lead to a vasectomy after my son was born ( and unknowingly contributed to our problems TTC in the first place)
Yackity-yak. I like to talk. A lot. My favorite way to pass down time involves a glass of wine and a buddy to chat at.
Zihuatanejo. Where husband and I went for our pre-wedding honeymoon and were literally chased off a neighboring property by guards with guns. Scary.

More Thinking

02 Tuesday Jun 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Debate, Discussion, Emotions, family, Gay Rights, Reality

 

 

A Letter from a 10 Year Old LGBT News

Dear Reader,
I am writing this after witnessing several videos in which hundreds of people protest for what they believe in. Just think about it! There were 18,000 gay-married couples in California who got off easy. But there are more people in this world than that! My family is my 14 year old brother, my mom, and her wife, Tanya. Tanya is part of our family now, and she is loved. I oppose Amendment 2 with all my heart. The HEART is the thing now. We love, and that keeps our world spinning. Never mind who we are, what race we are, what gender we are: Love is an equal right. Love makes a family.
What do you see in the above picture? An insult to marriage? An intrusion to marriage? A threat to marriage? Or do you see what I see? I see all that belongs to a family. I see 2 women who marry and live, even when laws and people and cars drive by and flip them off for standing in the rain protesting the hate that is heaped upon them. But love shall win. Love shall always conquer hate. So we shall stay out here in the rain, wondering: why? Not wondering why we fight, or why the rain comes down, not why the heck we chose this path. But wondering why these people choose to flip us off when they could stop and think: That little girl can’t be much older than my daughter/son. And that woman is drenched but she’s got a purpose and shows no sign of stopping now. Or even: They are all soaked. What drives them on? The answer being, of course: Love. L-O-V-E LOVE!
All you need is love. – John Lennon
What do you see here? 2 confused women? Hundreds of confused people? Guess what I see? Love. Not only do I see love, but I see people ready to defend the rights of that love. What I see are people, ready for whatever might come. For instance, I’m going to post this on my profile and kids in my class might laugh at me. I DON’T CARE!!!!!!! THEY CAN SNICKER ALL THEY WANT, BUT NOT BY A LONG SHOT WILL I LOSE GROUND!!!!!! IF IT BECOMES COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT MY MOTHER HAS MARRIED A WOMAN, NOT ONLY DO I AVOW IT, I EMBRACE AND TAKE PRIDE IN IT!!!!!!!
What truly saddens me is not only how many people support Proposition 8 and/or Amendment 2, but the fact that they exist. What person is so vain, stupid, or scared that they have nothing to do but sit around and criticize other people’s marriages? What person decided to crash the wedding, the domestic partnership certificate? Who decided love wasn’t enough to make a family?
Guess what? Love does make a family!
Thank you,
Ali T. -10 years old.

A Healthy Debate to Pass the Time

29 Friday May 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in family, News, waiting

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Debate, Discussion, family, Gay Rights

I recently came across this article on Gay Marriage and I’ve got to say, it is so spot on with how I think and feel I’m shocked I didn’t write it. Yes, am full of self. Anyway, I thought i’d pass it on as one: it’s a good conversation starter and two: the more people are talking, the further we’ll come as a society in resolving these issues.

Anyone Out There Who Can Explain the Gay Marriage Thing?
By Jacob Dickerman

Is there anyone out there who can explain to me why gay marriage is a problem?

There are issues which are contentious in this country that I have a definite side on. Abortion, for example. I understand where the other side is coming from, I understand where the argument is, I just don’t agree with the pro-lifers. There are other issues where I’m more confused, mostly because I understand both sides of the issue. Gun control, for example, is an issue that has flipped back and forth in my head so much over the years, it gives me a headache just thinking about it. I get it, you know? On the one hand, they kill people, on the other hand, I believe the founders of our country recognized that this new government they were creating would be fallible and would have the ability to become tyrannical, and they believed that if that happened, the people had the right to change that government. Part of the reason for the second amendment is so that all the guns aren’t in the hands of the military, and to be frank, though I think that point of view is a little crazy and I think we’re further away from it being a necessity than we’ve been since Gingrich decided to try and impeach Clinton due to a BJ, it’s something I can hold on to for that side of the debate. It’s something that makes it clearer to me. But Gay Marriage? No. I don’t get that one at all.

Since, apparently, about fifty percent of the country disagrees with me on this one, I was hoping that a couple of them could actually try and explain a rational reason to me why gay men and women shouldn’t be allowed to get married. What I don’t get about it is that well… my fellow straight people, it’s got nothing to do with us. Except of course it might help out the noun issue when talking to our gay friends of more advanced age. You know what I mean. When you’re hanging out with your gay friend who’s in his mid thirties, and you want to ask about Tom, that guy he’s been with for a decade, the noun’s a pain in the ass. Partner? What is it, are they in business together? Boyfriend? They’re in their mid thirties, the term doesn’t fit. Manfriend? That’s the stupidest damn phrase you can make. You know what term would make it easier? Husband. Of course, until they were married, you couldn’t use that one, but once they were? Husband. Clear pronoun, everyone knows what it means, would make the linguistics of our daily life that little bit easier.

So here’s what I’m looking for in an argument against gay marriage. First off? Clarity. I don’t want to have to read through your argument fourteen times to start to see what it means. As a side note – punctuation and vowels are what make written language work. Please try and make sure that they’re there. Secondly? Logic. I don’t want an emotional argument. Civil rights are not about what you like and what you don’t like. We live in a representative democracy that’s supposed to be built on the equality of all citizens, regardless of creed, race, or orientation. If the country actually is founded on the family, how exactly will it hurt the country to legally recognize a few more families? Third, I want a real argument. Don’t pull shit out of your ass and tell me I can digest it again. Don’t tell me that gay people make bad parents, because that’s a) never been shown to be true, b) in my own anecdotal experience (not really useful data, but you should know my own bias) been shown to be false. And if it’s all about “a kid needs a male and a female parent” than we should just outlaw single parent households now. As soon as one parent dies, the kids are thrown into an orphanage, to protect them from not having a mommy or a daddy.

So what have you got? Economics? I should mention here that weddings are a multi-BILLION dollar industry in this country, and that I have no doubt that making gay marriage legal would throw tons of additional money into that system. Devaluing straight marriage? Why? How is it that two people saying “I love you and I want to be with you forever” effects your marriage in any way, shape, or form? I just want to know if there’s anything in your arguments outside of just being uncomfortable with gay people.

Really, I’m not trying to be facetious in this article. I don’t get it. Really. I don’t get it at all, and I want someone to explain it to me, because I don’t like not understanding things. Realize that we’re not talking about religion here, we’re talking about civil rights. If your church/synagogue/mosque decides to not allow gay weddings, well that’s a private issue, not a public one. They can do that anyway with straight people. They probably won’t, but they can, because they’re private institutions and not bound by the same restrictions as legal ones.

Please. Someone out there, just explain it to me. I don’t like not understanding you. What’s the argument against gay marriage?

Some comments about this issue.

Regarding the vehement stance that Gay rights aren’t due the same respect in defense as the rights of other minority groups:

For 400 years of America, we have been decried from the pulpits and religious meetings. We have been burned at the stakes. We have been hung, beaten, raped, murdered, and destroyed. We have been the subject of fears and trepidation. Parents were told to have us fixed. And they tortured us with electricity charging through our genitals to make us … Read More straight. Our young ones kill themselves just so they can avoid being one of us. And when we escape to make a life for ourselves, they prevent the person of our choice from holding our hand when we leave this world.

And these were the good years. 2000 years before that was worse. I know that there are other groups that have been treated terribly. But don’t start saying ours is not as important or as valuable.

****************************************************************************************

Well, I see it as a civil rights issue for one plain and simple reason: the US Supreme Court has declared marriage as a “basic civil right” (Loving v. Virginia). Therefore, to deny law-abiding citizens access to a basic civil right that is even afforded to convicted felons seems wrong to me.

Someone earlier asked what would happen if we compared this matter to Jewish people instead of African-Americans. The historical precedent for Prop 8 lies in the Nuremberg laws, which stated that Jews were forbidden to marry German citizens. It’s directly analogous as a result. Furthermore, homosexuals were put in concentration camps as well.

The most dangerous aspect of Prop 8 is that we now have precedent for an angry majority to take away rights from anyone whom they decide they don’t like. What’s next? No more suffrage for women? A return to coverture laws and the Chinese exclusion act? All it takes is the votes …… Read More

Signed,
A Straight Ally for Equality

A Day that Honors Women, Period.

12 Tuesday May 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in family, Journey #2, News, surrogacy

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Discussion, Emotions, Gestational Surrogacy, Reality

IMG_2324

moth·er 1 (mr)

n.
1. A woman who conceives, gives birth to, or raises and nurtures a child.
2. A female parent of an animal.
3. A female ancestor.
4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother: a den mother.
5. Roman Catholic Church
a. A mother superior.
b. Used as a form of address for such a woman.
6. A woman who creates, originates, or founds something: “the discovery of radium, which made Marie Curie mother to the Atomic Age” Alden Whitman.
7. A creative source; an origin: Philosophy is the mother of the sciences.
8. Used as a title for a woman respected for her wisdom and age.
9. Maternal love and tenderness: brought out the mother in her.
10. The biggest or most significant example of its kind: the mother of all battles.
11. Vulgar Slang Something considered extraordinary, as in disagreeableness, size, or intensity.
adj.
1. Relating to or being mother.
2. Characteristic of a mother: mother love.
3. Being the source or origin: the mother church.
4. Derived from or as if from one’s mother; native: one’s mother language.
tr.v. moth·ered, moth·er·ing, moth·ers
1. To give birth to; create and produce.
2. To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally.
*******************************************************
How does this word not, in some way or another, apply to each and every woman that has ever lived? Heck, it even seems to apply to quite a few men out there! Mothers Day has once again come and gone, and the Internet is flooded with stories, some happy, some sad, and some downright angry.  Women the world over have an opinion and emotions surrounding this special day, and I figure it’s about time I put my two cents out there.
I’ve been following infertility and assisted reproduction blogs for years. Most of the infertile people I follow had stories of sadness to share. Upset that their children weren’t with them yet, Mothers Day represents longing for them and it isn’t a happy day at all. To these women I say stand up! Your children aren’t with you yet, but you are a mother still. You are a mother to your friends whom you love and support. You are a mother to your pets that you care for. You are a mother to the earth that you tend so lovingly. Mothers Day is for you. It is about you.
I’ve also read many posts by women who are childless by choice. Mothers day represents something different to these women. A fake “holiday” all about consumer purchasing that downplays the role of women in general and focuses simply on those women who play the role of the traditional mother. To these women I say look around! YOU are a mother yet. You are a mother to yourself in your creativity and productivity in society. You are a mother to those things that you care for, be it a furry friend or a houseplant.
Mothers day is so much more then honoring those women who raise our next generation. It is a day about women, and those few men who also nurture. It is  day to celebrate all that is soft and loving about our society. Mothers day is about and for every person, regardless of child status. Take this time to appreciate those around you who mother. Those that mother children, those that mother friends and family, those that tend to the earth in their mothering. This should never be a day of sadness, anger or regret but rather a day to recognise the many ways that the women around you are fantastic, simply because they are women. Next Mothers day, knock on your neighbors door and compliment her on her beautiful garden. Wish her a happy Mothers Day. Write a note to your childfree-by-choice workmate and appreciate all she contributes to your workplace. Wish her a happy Mothers Day. And give a gentle hug to your infertile friend, acknowledging her longing and express your appreciation for how well she supports you in all that you do. And wish her a happy Mothers Day. Because Mothers day is about our women and how they mother. Period.
Ava and Amelia mailed me the stunning flowers pictured along with a little note; “Happy Mothers Day to the best surromom ever! Wishing you a beautiful day. ” While the flowers are gorgeous, it was the note that made my day.

Tap tap tap tap tap tap

04 Saturday Apr 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in Journey #3, News, Pictures, surrogacy, waiting

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Amelia, Gestational Surrogacy, Pictures, waiting

Did you know waiting actually has a sound?

Contracts in the works. Transfer plans thought out. Final booze-filled HURRAH planned in VEGAS with the hubby before I once again host a minor and am therefore unable to sponge up.

Also? Something that gave me a smile this morning:

 

Sleeping Beauty, Amelia

Sweet little Amelia, looking not so little now-days! The girls seem to be growing like weeds and Daddy is doing a stellar job with them. I can not WAIT to get some live video of the little ladies! I’ll bet they have holding their heads up down pat by now! Three months old! Goodness, how time passes when your busy doing absolutely nothing…. ( hint hint hint to Jaymee’s medical team…..)

Discuss:

07 Saturday Mar 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in News, surrogacy

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Discussion, Gestational Surrogacy

Amanda made a comment on my previous post that I thought was worth sharing up front:

It is nice to see a positive article on surrogacy.  One thing I noticed however is how much “talk” is put into the biological aspect of choosing surrogacy over adoption.  I believe for many that that is just a small piece of the puzzle…that there are bigger reasons why people choose surrogacy and not adoption.  Since you have this article on your blog I thought I might add what I think are major driving factors:
 
1.  NOT EVERYONE can adopt!  Funny how people think that adoption is the anwser, but honestly not everyone is accepted.  Single parents, Gay Parents, Parents who are not in 100% tip top shape healthwise, often times can’t adopt.  Private adoptions often times the bio-mother chooses the adoptive parents…they look for healthy parents, cripes they can get really choosy and look for certain religious backgrounds.
 
2.  Adoption is a BIG risk.  IVF can fail, but so can adoption.  If you thought a miscarriage was hard, think about finally having your dream in your arms, caring for it for 29 days (or 3 months, depending on what the procedure is where you live), and then all of a sudden that child is ripped from you on the eleventh hour.  The bio-mom changes her mind….your dreams are shattered.  That baby you come to love is taken back…I watched my sister in law go through this…it was horrible, like the death of a baby in the family.
 
3.  Often times with adoption comes the Bio-mother.  Now I get in ideal surrogacy arrangements it would be nice if every team member remained friends and kept in contact, but in adoption it has a different feel, I believe, the bio-mother will always have that “thing” that the adoptive mother doesn’t. It’s awful to have to always wonder if your being judged by the bio-mother.
 
4.  It’s difficult to get newborns, most adoptions are not newborn or even babies, and it’s a long waiting list often times.
 
5.  Surrogacy helps to ensure the health of the baby.  Often times bio-moms are in desperate situations, they didn’t plan for the baby to be, they might have even done bad things and not known they were pregnant, or didn’t care.  Babies come out with problems.  Surrogates (though there is never a guarentee) generally are in good health, take care of themselves prior and during pregnancy, take the proper pre-natals, eat the right things, don’t drink/smoke/drugs, etc.
 
6.  Surrogacy allows Intented Parents to experience the pregnancy as much as they can. Need I say more?  It also allows them to experience and be apart of the delivery….I think that pretty much says it all….who wouldn’t want to be apart of all that?
 
7.  Surrogacy, at least Gestational, with the help of science can help to prevent disabilities in babies and children.  If your a risk factor for certain things, there are tests available to test embryos and/or sperm/eggs.  With adoption often times you do not know the genetic history of the baby, who died of what, does cancer run in the family, etc.
 
These are all very big reasons for choosing surrogacy over adoption, much bigger than the “genetic link” that people constantly refer to and use against those who persue surrogacy by saying the parents to be are “vein” that they “have to have a genetic link”, etc. etc.

Surrogacy: Your bun, her oven…Is it right for you?

07 Saturday Mar 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in News, surrogacy

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Discussion, Gestational Surrogacy, headlines

by Agency for Solutions

Most of us have been planning it our whole lives….marriage, house, family. Except what happens when it doesn’t play out that way and six months, even six years later you’re still trying for that baby? Your Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka RE) says your eggs look great, but for whatever reason you can’t get pregnant, or if you do, you miscarry. Your doctor or a friend suggests surrogacy. You shake your head, that’s something only celebrities do — but that’s not necessarily true.

 There are many reasons why people pursue surrogacy. Some women have known since birth that they can’t bear a child, while others may have battled cancer or had hysterectomies along the way. When faced with infertility, it is often the only real choice to become a parent outside of adoption. Unfortunately, the media has stirred up a lot of unnecessary fears about surrogacy. We’ve all seen the movies where the surrogate pretends to be pregnant and takes the couple for an emotionally and financially devastating roller coaster ride. Or maybe your local News team aired shocking reports about a surrogate who wants to keep the baby. Well, as former TV producers, we can tell you — it’s just not that interesting to talk about a surrogacy that works. The truth is, that’s what happens with most surrogacies…they work.

The strongest reason for pursuing surrogacy versus adoption is the ability to retain a biological connection with your child. With surrogacy, you have the option to be the biological parent. Of course there are some situations where an egg donor, sperm donor or both are used but even in these cases, surrogacy offers a unique advantage that adoption can’t. With surrogacy, you get to play a significant part in the prenatal care of your baby. You can be there to hear the first heartbeat, you’re present at the 18-week ultrasound to find out your baby’s gender and perhaps most importantly, you can be at the birth to hear your child’s first cry. In many states, your name goes directly on the birth certificate (an agency or lawyer can help you with this information). Basically, since it is a contractual relationship, the baby is yours even before the embryo is transferred to the surrogate’s uterus. You get to make medical decisions and have input in the pregnancy. And unlike an adoption, the surrogate cannot change her mind or take the baby back.

There are two kinds of surrogacy. In a gestational surrogacy, the carrier has NO biological connection with the baby. In a traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is genetically related to the baby. Our personal preference is gestational surrogacy. Sure, it is more expensive — you need to add a reproductive clinic into the equation — but the laws are clearer and the environment is much more controlled. When a reproductive clinic is involved, there’s no chance of ‘faking’ a pregnancy – which unfortunately sometimes happens with traditional surrogacies where home inseminations are done to achieve pregnancy. Even so, in both types of surrogacies, you will need to work with the proper professionals – agency (unless you go independent and that comes with its own challenges), clinics, lawyers, psychologist, escrow company, etc. to ensure that you have a positive experience and outcome. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to overcome with surrogacy is the cost. Unfortunately, there is no way around it… it is a very expensive journey. Most people save for years, mortgage their homes, and borrow the rest from banks or family members, to pursue it. But in the end, when you are holding your child or children, it’s all worth it. While this all may sound daunting, it can be done. Many couples and singles are becoming parents via surrogacy every day. It’s no longer just an option for celebrities. And in many ways, it’s an even surer path to parenthood than adoption, so don’t rule it out when you think you’ve got no choices left at all.

 

**********************************

 

Short but sweet. It’s nice to finally run into a real, accurate glimpse into surrogacy.  Despite what most of society seems to believe, the bulk of intended parents are average Joes; real people who want to have a family.  It’s good to see a tiny article that isn’t a doom and gloom for once.

It’s Like A Rollercoaster That You ALMOST Puke On, But Not Quite

01 Sunday Mar 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in Journey #3, News, surrogate

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Discussion, Gestational Surrogacy

You get on and you’re all nervous. Seat-belt buckled, deep breath in. Then it starts moving and you’re waiting.. anticipating…. that first hill is a doozy… you crest the top and SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE you’re on the ride of your life, whipping around corners, soaring to new heights and plummeting down so fast you can’t catch your breath. It’s exhilarating and life affirming. You step off the ride and immediately find a trash can; your stomach is still riding. As you stand there inhaling the stale fries and day-old trash trying not to add your lunch to the heap, you get one clear thought.

I want to do THAT again!

A Word From Our Sponsor

06 Friday Feb 2009

Posted by bumpfairy in family, Holy Crap, Journey #1, Journey #2, News, surrogacy, surrogate

≈ 15 Comments

Tags

Discussion, Emotions, family, Gestational Surrogacy, pregnancy, Reality, surrogacy

They say when you don’t know where to start, the best place to begin is at the beginning. I have so many thoughts rattling around in my head about this surrogacy journey, I’ve had a hard time trying to unmuddle the mess. So? We start at the beginning. Some of this is repetitive of early posts, but I want to start here so that the full point of this story is told.

Once Upon A Time;

Many moons ago I came across the idea of being a Gestational Surrogate. It started out as an idea, and became a dream. After some research on my part, I decided that for me the best route to fulfilling this dream was with the aid of an agency. My agency search began with my good friend Google. WHOA Nelly, are there a lot of agencies out there! From full service to do-it-yourself, there is an agency available for every desire. Being new, fresh, and for the most part ignorant of all the bits and pieces required for a successful Gestational Surrogacy journey, I decided to go with the best. The agency that offered the MOST guidance, made the process the most simple.  Yes, it was also the most expensive agency for IP’s out there, a fact that bothered me from the first. But I figured the good outweighed the bad there, and their expertise was surely worth the extra money.

I signed on with Growing Generations.

A phone interview landed me with two plane tickets for my husband and I to fly down to LosAngeles for a medical and psych screening.  Both went well, I was commended on my acceptance and warmly welcomed in to the bosom of the business. I was a Growing Generations Surrogate.

Just a few short days after all clearances had been processed I was introduced to my first intended father, via e-mail.  He had applied as a single parent and while I was initially leery, I was over the moon at having a quick match. We were flown back to LA where we met this nice young man and were successfully woo’d into beginning our contracts with him. An instant connection was formed and daily ( some times several times a day) we exchanged e-mails and phone calls. It wasn’t till we were getting ready to sign on the dotted line a few weeks later that more of a story was shared between this IF and I. It started with a question. This man was listed as pursuing Surrogacy as a single father…. but he had a long time partner! I thought it odd that this man, so clearly in love with his partner and vice-versa, was choosing to create a family without him. In their state of residence Gay marriage wasn’t recognised, and many gay partners chose to solidify and legalize their union with children, both fathers listed as parent ( one through adoption, etc). Yet pains had been taken to keep his partner off of any and all legal documents. Odd, but OK. Then I really started looking at his situation; on the brink of completing grad school, working on a huge theses. He lived half the year in one state with his partner, the other half spent at school. Wow! What an odd time in your life to decide to become a parent! Then another nugget was dropped; he wasn’t an American citizen. In fact, he was in the US on an educational Visa. A Visa that was set to expire when he finished grad school. Because of his specific area of study, finding employment utilizing his particular education was going to be a drawn out process; limited openings for that kind of work. When his Visa expired, if he didn’t get a work Visa issued in his area of expertise, he’d have to go back to his home country.

Huh.

My mind started putting pieces together… and I didn’t like the puzzle I was seeing. The birth of his child would happen just a few months before his Visa expired. His American Citizen child. A child who had no other legal caregiver. An American entitled to all that America has to offer. With a child as a citizen of this lovely country, and as the only legal guardian, my IF would ensure he could stay here with his life partner. He could not be deported as his child, a citizen, relied on him until the age of 18. This explained why his life long partner was no where to be seen, legally. A phone conversation confirmed his motives. Not in so many words, but yes. My suspicions were true.

A surrogate puts her life on hold for her IP’s. She also literally puts her life on the line for that pregnancy. Huge hormone doses, the higher risk of miscarriage/loss because of an unnaturally conceived pregnancy, multiples, and the birth itself are all, to a degree, dangerous.  I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t risk my life, risk my family being without a wife, mother, partner, for such a reason. The passion and love of a child, the deep rooted desire for family; those were the reasons I chose to become a surrogate. Not citizenship. Not something so pithy, so legally motivated. Do I think he would have been a good dad? Yes, I do. He was really a great guy. But I became a surrogate to feed a motivation, not to fight “the man”.  We mutually agreed to dissolve our match and go our separate ways.

My first, second, third call when these issues arose were to my Case Coordinator at Growing Generations. She was “new” and didn’t have many answers for me. I was incredulous to learn that GG not only wasn’t aware of his legal status in this country, but they really didn’t care anyway. One thing they DID care about was having a surrogate on the roster who dared to “rock the boat”.  I had offended this potential IP with my judgment of his situation. It’s the IP’s that pay GG’s paycheck. They couldn’t have anyone on their staff who might put a damper on their fat wallet, so I was “let go” as a GG surrogate.

With the idea of surrogacy still rich in my blood, it didn’t take long for me to make additional connections in the surrogacy community. I started a support group on-line and joined several others already in place. I was woo’d by several agencies and was on the brink of signing with one when I met him. P-Daddy had joined my on-line group, and I shortly realized he was the same guy I’d been following along with on the other groups as well. I was….  lets just say I was smitten. A few e-mails back and forth decided the issue for me, and I began my stalking of this incredible man with earnest. The only downside? He had just signed on with Growing Generations, the agency I was no longer working with.  With his permission I contacted Growing Generations and offered myself up as a match. Quick as lightning I was welcomed back with open arms and my journey began. How nice and easy for them; no interviewing necessary, no further screening required. We both wanted to work together and they approved, like a cranky old aunt who’s thrilled at the extra  fruitcake on her holiday table that she didn’t have to make.

Things progress along as they are want to do. Case Coordinators at GG change as often as the weather so I’d learned not to rely on them for anything and went directly to P-Daddy with all questions, concerns, and issues. I couldn’t really see what GG was doing to earn their fat paycheck but whatever; that was between P-Daddy and them.

Then we had the loss. Fast as lightning this cash cow was off the GG radar. Until they got medical results back that I hadn’t harmed the pregnancy, I didn’t hear from them. I reported the loss, and that was it. I do think I got one e-mail with a one liner that amounted to “wow, that sucks” and that’s about it until I confirmed my karyotyoe results.  Not exactly the warm and fuzzy bosom of support I’d imagined.  When we agreed to another transfer I was assigned yet another case coordinator and we were off to the races again. Obviously successful, we didn’t hit the next bump in the road with GG until I was 18 weeks pregnant with the twins. GG was demanding more money. Not just more money, but a shit load more money. An ADDITIONAL hundred thousand dollars, to be exact. Because there were twins and because P-Daddy was from out of the country, GG claimed they required this ADDITIONAL mountain of funds just in case the babies came early, just in case just in case just in case. P-Daddy was to get the funds to them ASAP and those funds would be held in an account until the children were 6 months old, when the balance would be re-funded. They demanded those funds before the pregnancy was even viable. Interesting. Additionally interesting? NONE of the interest earned on those funds would be returned to P-Daddy. They were demanding one hundred thousand dollars, were keeping that money for close to a year, and none of the interest earned on that money would be returned, Growing Generations would be lining their pockets with it.  Huh. And again, huh. They claimed this money was for my protection. If P-Daddy skipped the country and decided not to pay this mountain of bills that were sure to pile up because of the twins, they wanted to protect *me* by having a pile of interest earning money in the bank to cover those bills with. I see. A nicely worded e-mail from me several weeks later assured Growing Generations that I, in fact, did not require them to collect these funds on my behalf. I had formed a relationship with their client sufficient enough to assure me that any and all bills that may pop up because of this pregnancy would be taken care of. Thank you for your concern. I got a very short e-mail back saying, in essence, stay out of it, it’s none of your business.

Two weeks later I was informed by P-Daddy that he had been dropped from the GG surrogacy program and that he would be proceeding through the rest of our journey independently. While I was actually thrilled about this turn of events, happy he wasn’t being so grossely taken advantage of financially and emotionally ( oh, the arguments and lies they tried to use with him to get that money!) I will also admit to being decently pissed. I hadn’t heard ONE WORD from Growing Generations.  A full week passed before I finally contacted them. And what did I learn? That I’d been dumped. Yes, dumped. Was I happy to not be working with this morally corrupt agency? Hell yes. But was I…. AM I…… pissed at how thin the facade of care through their agency really was? Hell yes. What if P-Daddy hadn’t been the incredible man that he is? What would have happened to me then? Unexpectedly kicked out the door with no word of warning from the agency I had counted on to be my strong shoulder should I need it. The guidance I had counted on, the whole reason I signed on with them in the first place… fake. Growing Generations surrogates, pull out your contracts. Read through the agreement between yourself and Growing Generations. Carefully. What does it say? Not what does it imply, but what does it really say? You know what mine said? Nothing. Not one little thing. They are under NO OBLIGATION to look out for your best interest, no obligation to guide you safely through a surrogacy journey. You think you’re protected as a GG surrogate? Think again.  My letter stating I didn’t require that insane amount of money from my intended father was all the notice they needed that this cash cow wouldn’t be earning them any more money, and my hugely pregnant arse was kicked unceremoniously out the door. Without even telling me.

I am glad it happened, Even as I’m pissed at HOW it happened. The rest of our journey was incredible. Things couldn’t have gone more smoothly, and no. The money was never an issue, despite the dire predictions the GG bankers claimed.  GG tries very hard to keep a wall of knowledge between their IP’s and their surrogates, and for good reason. They claim it is to make the journey easier on all parties involved; If you have any questions or concerns at all ( but especially about money) you were to contact THEM, not your IP.  Had that wall stayed in place I never would have known about the hundred thousand dollars. I never would have written the letter. P-Daddy never would have considered NOT getting the fat loan and making the fat loan payments, and GG would have had a much fatter wallet.  Surrogates, what kind of relationship do you really want with your IP’s? If it really is a business relationship for you, then an agency like Growing Generations may be just what you’re looking for. But if you’re in it for the family? For your IP’s? For the baby? I’d re-think this kind of agency. Because as loud as their claims of family togetherness and love seem to be, their actions speak louder then their words. With our journey it wasn’t about family at all. It was about money. Period. The money stopped flowing in, so their dealings with us stopped flowing out. Is that really the kind of business you want to support? Is that really the kind of agency you want to risk your life working with?

So this is part of the story of my journey. Lessons learned, eyes opened.  If I decide to go down the path of Surrogacy again I now know where to start; right here in my heart, and not on the roster of potential income for some Agency.

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