Watching Petter be a daddy was without a doubt my favorite part of the whole journey..
I brought the girls Light Brights from home, something they’d not heard of before. Watching their little fingers play with the toys I played with myself when I was tiny was VERY cool.. they’re just lucky I let them play with them at all! I pulled it all out and began a demo that very nearly became me just playing with the dang thing all by myself, lol!!
I’ve been thinking about this forever, trying to decide how best to express and remember this amazing journey I’ve been on the last 5 years. Call it base or Redneck, but I chose to share this part of the story of my life on my skin. I want to be a little old wrinkled lady and have a small bit of WOW on my body, both to make me happy and to help me remember. I am so proud of myself, narcissisticly so in many cases, so embracing an outword tribute to myself and those I love was just the perfect thing for me to do.
My daughter and son are the two flowers on the right, red for the heart chakra and orange to represents me. Kael has a blue center and Raegan has fuchsia. The two pink and purple flowers you see to the left are for Ava and Amelia, a matching pair but not identical, one flower has a more orange center and the other more yellow. Tom is represented on the other side ( on top.. my sunny side up boy) with a yellow and teal flower that is in the same shape as the girls. All these flowers are surrounding a Peacock, a symbol of immortality ( as is my part in the creation of each of these children), a symbol of renewal ( as the true heart of *me* was reborn for having experienced the journeys that created these 5 children), and a symbol of integrity and the beauty we can achieve when we endeavor to show our true colors. The peacock is associated with the Hindu deity that represents benevolence, patience, kindness, compassion, and luck. These are all things I strive to embody in my life and relationships, as is the Japanese peacock association as an emblem of love, compassionate watchfulness, good will, nurturing, and kind-heartedness. I’ve been asked why I don’t have an official nod to my Husband, but the truth of the matter is, he is represented by the whole. Without his love, support, giving nature and patience I would not be the person I am today, I would not have had the experiences I’ve had. It has become very very important to have a moment of official recognition for all of these things, and I am amazingly pleased to have done so.
( Better pics will come soon, this was hastily snapped at the tattoo expo where I got this piece finished and just doesn’t do justice to it’s true worth. But right now it’s a gooey sticky mess, so I’ll spare you that…)
I had this amazing and magical week. It was a week so full of… well, so full, that I almost have no words. On Monday September 19th, I made the trek up to Portland and made myself at home in the waiting room of the international arrivals area. I’d spent the previous week scrubbing down the ugly from the house, picking and re-picking welcome gifts, arranging appropriate transport, stressing out about sleeping arrangments and, in one particularly insane example, debating and theorizing in the middle of the aisle at Wal*Mart for nearly an hour about SHEET COLOR. Seriously. Both the same? Both different? Similar? Would the one that had no pink be upset about the one that had all the pink? My gawd. It was ridiculous. But it all ended in the waiting room at the Portland International Airport when, after an hour of nervous sitting and fidgeting and poor plays on Words With Friends, I looked up to see one man and two amazingly tiny princesses stumble down the hall after clearing customs from their ten hour flight.
Petter and the ladies had come to visit.
It… Just… wow. I was SO excited to see them! And they were SO tiny! And they looked… okay, I’ll be honest. They looked run over. But really, what two and a half year old wee ones and their tired Pappa wouldn’t look worn out after 10 ( 12? 14 total?) hours stuck on an airplane? But CHIPPER!!! and HAPPY!!! and OMG I can’t believe they were actually here!!!
The week that followed was just……. magic. All that crazy stress for nothing. NOTHING. Family had come to visit, and it was just that comfortable. I got to paint tiny toes and play with sweet baby hair. I got to learn a few words in Norwegian ( Vaska = purse. Also Rosa = pink. And finally bæsj which… well the two little ones are potty training. Lets just say it’s both a necessary word to know and funny, if you’re two) I got to giggle at their glee and not worry about how increasingly icky my house was getting through the week as I ignored it in favor of playing. We did a whole bunch of nothing during the week they were here, and as far as I’m concerned that’s just about perfect. Play at the local park, seeing some of the local attractions, hanging out and just being together. We finished off the week at Great Wolf Lodge to wear out the little ones with some water play before they had to climb back on an airplane and fly home. It was way too fast. It was much too short. I miss them with a fresh heart, but I’m glad they are back in their comfortable surroundings, lol! So today I’m just going to sit back, sip my orange-chocolate granita in tribute, and upload some pics. One thing I’m happy I planned was a session with the amazing Kimberly Teichrow, the photographer that captured Tom’s arrival into this world so sweetly. Here’s my share for today.
I found myself very surprised when spending time with the girls. I.. feel a connection with them that I didn’t expect to feel. I don’t know if it’s okay to feel this way or right or what, but I feel connected to them. They aren’t my children, my heart isn’t confused in that way. But in a way, they are mine. Just a tiny way, a way that doesn’t make sense to me and is very likely one sided, but my heart, in a corner, claims them. Not as my children, but as children that are mine. Does that even make sense?? These girls have a special spot, all their own. They were my first surrobabes, they were my first twins, they were my first family grown outside of my own. All of those bits of love carve their own little spot out, and holding them and cuddling them and playing with them and watching them… it was like watching my own children. That same corner of my heart gets warm. I didn’t expect that. Didn’t expect how sweet that would feel.
I was also surprised at how tender it was to see my own children loving on the girls. It wasn’t like they were being sweet to some other kids, some friends child or a random strangers baby. It was like… like they were loving on me. SO WEIRD. I’m messing up this description completely. Lets just leave it at my heart smiled all week, for so many reasons.
To Petter in Norway, and Tom’s daddy in Alabama, a super huge happy fathers day, today!
I’ll tell you right now, it’s totally weird missing people that you don’t really know. They are SO big now, aren’t they?! I’ve been casually studying up on some Norwegian, so that when next we Skype maybe I’ll be able to understand them, lol! Every time I see pics I get a big smile, I am just so proud of my piece in the creation of this family.
Well, things are moving forward, but not in the way that you might think. I find myself at the starting gate to yet another journey.. not a journey through surrogacy, but rather a journey towards………
I have no idea where I’m going. All I know is, it’s forward.
In a few short weeks, my body will be under the knife and I’ll be the grudging recipient of a partial hysterectomy along with becoming the home for a few feet of mesh. These last couple of physically traumatic births have done in the ol’ lady bits and if I want to move forward in my life, those bits have to be repaired. It looks like retirement from the world of pregnancy will be less of a ticker tape parade out of town and more of a tornado, ripping me away from the comforts of my body and over the rainbow for a whole different kind of adventure.
Folks, I am FREAKED OUT.
But it’s what’s got to happen. Prolapse after prolapse, my body is telling me something. It’s time to listen. This is one of those risks we hear about when getting in to surrogacy in the first place. One of those scenarios that we accept, but never really think will happen to us. It happens. Thinking of being a surrogate? Understand that along with the amazing magic and life transforming positive that comes out of a journey, this is a possible risk.
Is the risk worth it?
I think so. We were done having our own family, surrogacy didn’t change that. My heart bursts with love and pride when I look at pictures of my stunning surro babies, when I think of the families I have helped create. But surrogacy did have quite a bit more down sides that I’d been prepared for. The loss of many relationships and now this physical complication.. I didn’t count on those. Would I do it again? Yes. But I may have approached things differently if my crystal ball had let me in on just what, exactly, I was getting in to.
Much more to say. I just don’t know how to say it.