When my husband and I decided we were ready to start expanding our family, I threw myself into the “project” with the same ferocity that I do with every other goal in my life; full steam ahead. We both came from larger families ( three siblings each, each parent coming from a much larger family of 6-7 children) and I just knew that things would go smoothly for me. Those first few months of negative pregnancy tests were difficult to deal with, but well within the realm of normal. When we inched close to that year mark of unsuccessful pregnancy tests, I got concerned. When we passed that year mark, I got scared. Why? WHY was I unable to get pregnant? All my research, my careful timing….. we should be well on our way to holding our child by now! When my sister announced her pregnancy after just one month of trying, it tore me apart. What was WRONG? At the urging of our family practitioner, husband and I both went in to get some tests done. Turns out I really don’t ovulate much. Cycles from 28 to 90 days, and half of the time no eggies were dropping. But the final nail in that coffin; the thing that drove me over the edge into some real depression, were the results of my husbands testing. Seriously low count, very poor motility and morphology, real issues with abnormality……. we were advised by our RE to consider IVF or other means of growing our family. Right away I threw myself into the project. Husband started on a strict regime of medications, both homeopathic and prescription. I snatched up a prescription for an ovulation inducing drug; Clomid. I began researching international and local adoption laws and requirements. I threw myself in to the project with a relish, every avenue explored.
My niece was born in late January. Her birth was more sweet then bitter, but the bitter was there. The joy I felt for my sister and the instant love I felt for this tiny being she had created was incredible and unexpected, even as that joy chewed a little bit on the empty hole I felt in my soul. I didn’t know it then, but three weeks later I would learn that I was pregnant.
Seeing those two little lines on that pregnancy test was quite possibly the most surreal experience I’ve ever had. I had spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests over the last 18 months. It was during a routine “might as well check” test that the ever evasive second line showed up, and I’ll admit to thinking it was an error, at least for a few hours. I peed, took a shower, and looked at the results. Huh. What? I waited two hours and tested again. Two more lines. I went to work, left after a half day, and tested again. Two. Lines. I drove to the book store and purchased a book; “My Boys Can Swim” for my husband… and tested again. Two lines. I laid out all my positive pregnancy tests and the book on our bed and started dinner. Husband came home and gave me the usual cheek kiss and went into our bedroom to change. He was in there a long time. When he came out the look on his face was just priceless. His boys could swim, and we were, indeed, pregnant. One and a half years later we were shocked to see another two lines, and this time without even trying.
I spent a very short time in the hell that is infertility. But I was there; I experienced it, and it was one of the darkest times of my life. I’m not sure how much deeper into that hole of hell I would have fallen, and I am so so blessed that I don’t have to find out. But the hurt, even for that short time, will always be there.
Shortly after my second transfer with P-Daddy that resulted in the beautiful princesses below, I met Jaymee. I had been trolling infertility and then surrogacy blogs for years, ever since we fell into that infertility hole ourselves. When I met Jaymee on-line, she was alone. New to the surrogacy world, Jaymee was without a support system, without an infertility/surrogacy family. I invited her to join my surrogacy support forum, and was hooked. I’ve stalked her blog ever since. I was struck at once with the sadness of her situation, and hooked by the beautiful and positive outlook she had on the whole thing. I just knew that some day? She was going to be an incredible mother. And an incredible intended-mother to her surrogate.
The first time I seriously thought about working with Jaymee and her husband was after reading this blog post. That hurt? I kind of know what that feels like. A little. Other posts, like this one, just furthered that desire. But it wasn’t till after Ava and Amelia were born, till I’d experienced what it felt like to actually do it; create a family, that my decision was made. By the grace of gawd or any other deity that may be listening, I was going to make that woman a Mama. See a need, fill a need. Turns out, I didn’t need to cyber stalk her as aggressively as I’d planned.
Our first phone conversation lasted over three hours. Three good hours. Luckily, Jaymee is just as twitchy, painfully optomistic, goofballish and eclectic as I am! An easy woman to talk to, slipping into that “should we do it” mode was simple to do. After getting the official “hell yes!’ from my own husband I just had one more hurdle to jump over before things between Jaymee and her family & I became solid.
I had to talk to P-Daddy.
Worried. That sums up how I felt about bringing this up with P-Daddy. It had only been a few weeks since he and the ladies had flown home, it was very soon. I was worried… would he resent me moving forward with different IP’s? Would he feel like I was cheating on him? I will admit, if P-Daddy were to choose a different surrogate should he lose all mental stability and decide to have more children, I’d be hurt. He’s MY intended father. Childish, yes. But I’d be hurt just the same. Would he feel the same way about me carrying for Jaymee and her husband? I would understand if he did. And while I felt like it was apples and oranges as far as journeys are concerned ( two different motivations to help, two very different families created) I could understand if he was hurt. And if he were hurt? I’d never do it. Of course, I worried for nothing. P-Daddy, true to form, could not have been more supportive of my desire to help Jaymee. He knows her through our forum as well, and he was nothing but positive in his encouragement of our match.
So. I will be doing this again, it seems. I am quite sure that there will be no further journies for me unless either family loses their mind and wants to grow a sibling. I feel……. at peace. Content. I feel like by matching with Jaymee, by helping grow her family, that now tiny hole in my soul that was created when we suffered through our small fight with infertility will be healed. P-Daddy and the girls made a huge difference, and I think Jaymee and her child will finish off the job.
So this fall the journey begins. And I could not be more excited.