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So.. ahem.. yah. I kind of took a bit of a break, there. Sorry. Not much warning, huh?

I am now 27 full and complete weeks pregnant. My body thinks it’s closer to 37, but whose counting.

Oh wait, before I get going into things; everyone who knows me, reads me, has commented here and has been pregnant with twins before? Fired. Totally fired. In fact, so fired you get no severance AND a bad reference. Why? Ladies. It is your DUTY to warn others coming in to the game as to what is waiting for them! Did you hear me a few months ago??!! Ha ha… just like a regular pregnancy but faster… ha ha ha….. Oh my god, I was so disillusioned!

Pregnancy, with twins? Is NOTHING like pregnancy with one baby. Not past the 24 week mark, anyway. SUCH a joke letting people think that it is.

First? You grow so fast that you can’t keep up with re-learning your balance. One baby? slow and steady for 40 weeks. A little heavier out front bit by bit till you hit your peak, nicely balanced with some ballast on the other side, lots of time to get used to your new center of gravity. Two? Uh, yah, no. Slow and steady…. then holycraphowfastcanwefillthisspace??!! Balance, I give you the silent finger. Behind my back, because the children are looking. And really, I could use the counter balance at this point. Another side effect? Constant back ache. It’s just a lot for a body to adjust to, and in such a short time period.

Second. You thought you got stretch marks with one baby?? Ha ha. HAAAAA hahahahahahahaha. Ha. It’s not that I’ve got more stretch marks, it’s that I’m stretching so fast I can’t even MAKE stretch marks, I just feel like one huge open torn wound. On my belly. I’d like to give you a more detailed description but I’ll be kind and just say it doesn’t feel good. And lotion doesn’t help, please gawd stop suggesting that.

Also? I dare you to find a comfy way to sleep. Dare. You. Lay flat on my side means I can breathe. It also means that all that lovely acid living in my baby-compressed stomach makes it’s merry little way up my throat and into my mouth. While I sleep. Take a moment to imagine how wonderful that is. Sleeping propped up? Definitely cuts down on the acid>mouth problem. But then I can’t breathe. Because I have both a head AND a set of feet pushing into my lungs. Both. Oh hey, and they’re both kicking/head-butting my tender bits, too. At the same time. Not something you get the thrill of experiencing with one baby, let me tell you.

OK back to the update. I’ve gained 23 pounds, which is good. I’ve failed the one hour glucose test ( boo!) but passed with flying colors the three hour test ( yay!) I’ve also got one dandy head cold and I’m boogering and coughing all over the house. Which is just more fun on top of fun. Word of advice; never put out in the real world some stupid comment like “oh, it’s been sooo long since I’ve been sick, I’m really blessed that I never catch the bugs my family brings home”. Because the cosmos? Hate you. Not 24 hours after that bit of lovely came out of my (fingers and on to the computer) I woke up boogering and mouth breathing and puffy eyed.

Really, these days I’m the glowing picture of pregnant perfection. I swear.

So I know this is a lot of boo-hoo’ing and poor-me’ing and all that. I also know that I asked for this ( first person who actually says that to me gets a face full of snot. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. ) and I am NOT regretting things, bla bla bla. Disclaimer, etc. I’m just sharing my boo-hoo moment with you because misery? Loves company. I sneeze on you through the computer so that you can join me on the dark side.

 

Oh, and welcome to the third trimester!

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