Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up but it still takes a few moments to convince yourself that it was a dream, and not real at all?
I dreamt that myself and my children were living in a “surrogate house” with many other surrogates. We lived there until these babies were born, then happily said goodbye to them as they left out the front door with their father. The woman who ran the surrogate house came up to me;
“OK, your job here is done! It’s time for you to leave.”
So I gathered together my children and all of their belongings, heading for the big door out. We said goodbye to all the other surrogates as we walked, my daughter skipping ahead of me. She bounded out the front door and into the waiting car and just as I reached those big doors to follow her I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Wait,” she said.
“He needs to stay here. Say your goodbye’s.”
She was pointing at my son. My son.
“But he is mine,” I said, distress creeping into my voice, “This boy is mine!”
“No, he is waiting here for his father. Your job with him is done. ” and she gently grasped his hand and pulled him back a step.
A jolt of shock ran through my body and I instinctively stepped back, my heart stopped. That step was enough; the big doors closed in front of me and I heard the deadbolt close.
My son. They had my son.
I woke up in a panic, tears running down my cheeks. It was 3 in the morning and I just *couldn’t* get out of the dream. My chest was tight, I was filled with a feeling of dread. I swear I almost ran out of my room and into his where I saw him, safe and sound of course, asleep in his bed. As I climbed in beside him and pulled his little body close to mine I am ashamed to admit that I had a tiny moment of anger. Anger at the big belly that was stopping me from wrapping my body protectively around his just like I had done when he was a baby. He snuggled in and I fell into a peaceful and dreamless sleep for the rest of the night.
I don’t know what it means and really, that doesn’t matter. But this dream was definitely a peek at the down side to surrogacy. So far things have been very positive and beautiful. Even our loss in January had a positive outcome with these two little ladies. But that dream; that nightmare. It was so real. My heart still hurts thinking about it. I get a little flash of terror. That, too, is a gift of this surrogacy.
There’s always a flip side.