The wait, it continues. Also, I am an arse.

I was getting all worked up about how crappy things were. For some reason my doctor wants me to wait 2 full cycles before beginning any kind of cycle prep. That means more then 3 cycles ( as the cycle before transfer needs to be a controlled BCP cycle) before any kind of transfer can take place. What?? Every other surro I know has to wait one cycle. Have one period after D&C, get back on the road to transfer. Hell, even his other patients only wait one. So why the hell do I have to wait so long? Personal vendetta? Hates me a little? Likes to watch twitchy gals squirm? Knows about my inability to be patient? Sadistic much?

Here’s where I realize I’m an arse. Ready?… Wait for it….

Karyotype. You know, the reason for the weekend from hell? The days of nightmares and the nights of terror? The need for that ever important “tissue” to do Karyotype testing on? Yah, that. Takes 6 weeks to process. Which means we’ll get results just after my next cycle; results that will determine the rest of my part in P-Daddies surrogacy journey. We need those results before we decide if I need BCP to start to cycle, or if I need my walking papers because I may not be the best candidate to carry for these gamets. So of course, I’ll not do anything till cycle 2.

You can almost see the light-bulb, huh. But is the light-bulb you see in an angry red color? Because mine sure the hell is. See, this particular RE doesn’t seem to believe in “unexplained miscarriage”. Either there is a genetic issue, or it was my fault. According to him, I may have killed that baby.

Yes.  I just said that out loud.

If the Karyotype results come back as “Normal Male” I’m out. “Normal Female” gets no action and I continue as they’ll just assume it was my normal tissue that was tested and that the baby was actually genetically abnormal. I can stay if the results are assumed abnormal.

Hows that for a kick in the heart?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame P-Daddy. The bottom line is that man needs to be a father. He should do whatever he can to obtain that goal. If a trusted medical professional tells him that I am not the best means to that end I absolutely do expect him to find a new surrogate. With my blessing, however much I’ll miss him. We both want the same thing for him, and that is a child. But my RE? The man who is ignoring mountains of scientific research stating that unexplained miscarriages happen? The man who actually thinks that all of his clients who miscarry actually CAUSED that miscarriage if there isn’t a genetic or biological reason to blame in favor of getting his clinics numbers up?  I could not be more disappointed.. no, pissed. I wonder how his infertile female clients would react to that news; that while he is rubbing their back as they sob with yet another miscarriage, saying “sometimes these things just happen, there is no reason” he is thinking in the back of his mind ” You did it. You killed another one.”

So I wait. Wait to find out if I did it.

 And I wait. I wait to know: Was it me?