Oh You Foolish, Foolish Girl. And, Where I Justify My Gluttony.

Flew down to LA on Sunday morning. Easy flight, great tailwind, ended up arriving a good half hour early. YAY for short flights! A driver was scheduled to pick me up and I was thrilled to find out I had the same driver this time as last; Carlos. I LOVE Carlos. He is a careful but quick driver. I never get the least bit sick in his car, and that man can sure hold a conversation! Interesting fact; there is an oil drilling machine just off the football field of the high school near his house. Huh.

Anyway. Dropped my bags at the LeMontrose in West Hollywood and was promptly tossed into the car by the lovely Casey, an on-line surrofriend. She had another surro Stacy with her ,and the three of us went to pickup P-Daddy. We ended up in a lovely cafe for brunch along with the wonderful Kari and her IF’s. Stacy and Kari had transferred on Friday and were on their way home. It was so wonderful to see them all, and WOW the estrogen at that table!

Monday was the day.

P-Daddy and I were both very nervous about the fertilization report; the odds were against us. Imagine our surprise to learn that not only did all eight continue on their merry little way, but 2 of the eight were A+ quality, and 5 of the others were expected to reach the ultimate perfection that is A+ by the following day, when they would be frozen. The relief in that room was immense. Thrilled.

So here they are; the lucky two that we happily transferred Monday morning.

Hopefully ready to snuggle in ( well, one of them, preferably) and make themselves at home for the next… oh… 38 weeks.

Yes, those are oven mitts on the transfer table stirrups. No, i don’t know why. But my feet appreciated them just the same.

I did all of the good-luck rituals I could think of. Green clothing? Check.

Not one but TWO desserts? Check.

French fries? Check.

Pineapple? Check.

Spend quality time with an intended father willing to go the distance to keep me happy during my enforced 36 hours of bed-rest? Including and not limited to schlepping his laptop all over the city for my amusement and…. gifting himself with a minor concussion? Check.

 

Not pictured? The amazing good luck bracelet loaned to me by a fellow sassy surrogate and the POUNDS of cookies P-Daddy got for me from Trader Joes, also a good luck omen.

It was a good trip. It will be a great trip as soon as I see double. Soon, I’m sure. In the mean time, it was just plain awesome getting to spend those days with P-Daddy. I’ll never forget it.

 

Three days. In three days, nothing in my house is safe; I will be peeing on everything. You never know what will give you that positive result! And POSITIVE, it will be!

 

Eight. Just eight.

Well. Our lovely egg donor went from having 30 potential follicles to having 19… then come retrieval day (yesterday) she only had 10. Today we got the prelim fertilization report and of those 10, 8 “took”.

Eight sounds like plenty. Heck, that’s 7 more then most women produce on a normal cycle! But this wasn’t a normal cycle. And that number is low. If we look at the stats, we can only expect it to get lower.

Four. Fingers crossed for at least a 50% success rate. We need 4 to be good and make it to blast. That’s two for this attempt, and two to save for a few years down the road when a sibling project happens.

We could use all the good vibes you’ve got to spare. Things are looking a wee bit glum… at this point last time, we had 10.

And ended up with two.

Which resulted in………. none.

Random Things I Poke In My Arse

Well Hello there Progesterone, you beyotch. Did ya’ miss me? I know I sure did miss your warm and loving embrace. This will be a short affair, i’m afraid. Only 12 weeks. We’ll just have to make our love last a lifetime, oky doky?

Where I Gnash my Teeth and Curse the Heavens in a Horribly Selfish Tantrum. Oh, and Good News.

Date is set: Monday, the 28th. I’ll fly in Sunday night and fly home Tuesday morning. Our lovely egg donor has 19 very promising looking follicles, but won’t go in for retrieval and an official count until the 23rd.

You just did the math. That means we’re transferring BLASTS, and not 3-day embryos. YAY for peeing sooner, CRAP DANG for the transfer of more then one.

~sigh~

A calculated risk, but still.

And the icing on my estrogen enhanced and incredibly pissy cake is this: two of my surrogate friends are also doing a transfer at the same time. We all started E2V at the same time. Our donors all started their meds at the same time. And THEY transfer on Friday. Friday. There will be two surrogates transferring, two surrogates coming in to visit, and P-Daddy all hanging out and having a fun transfer get-together. And when everyone goes home I fly in.  Damn it. I KNOW how pathetic it is of me to be frustrated over that. I fully blame it on the meds, because I am irrationally pissed. But I was really looking forward to meeting everyone. And really looking forward to being part of the “party” before and during the transfer. And now I’ll just be there for the hangover. The “fun” will be over, P-Daddy will just be looking forward to going home, and my surro friends will all be back in their living rooms with their feet up talking about all the fun they had on their transfer trip. Not only transfer, but meeting other Sassies Surros! Yay and way fun! :pouts:

Yes, that completely misses the point. We have eggs! And more then likely a count higher then two! And we’re going in for TRANSFER! To make a BABY! And all of that is super exciting and fun and wonderful and magical and just what I’ve been looking forward to!  It is the ultimate dessert.

But I wanted the sprinkles on top, too! :stamps foot, whines:

I will get over it. I have been SO bitchy this week, the estrogen has really started to take it’s toll on me.  My last “girls night out” before a 10 month pregnancy really fizzled, we’ve just moved, our cat may have a hip problem, my husband just bought “me” a laser printer/scanner/fax ( Fax? really? we don’t even have a phone line. And when was the last time I needed a printer for anything other then pictures.. which a laser can’t do) for my early Mothers day present with imaginary surplus funds, and twice in the last week we’ve gotten cheater-dinner from fast food restaurants, and BOTH TIMES they have managed to completely f’ up my order. Just mine though. The kids and DH’s are always good.  This is just one more little insignificant thing that is bugging me that I’ll just deal with and laugh about later.

OK look. I know I am being petty. It’s like PMS times a thousand. But damn.

Really though,  I AM super excited about transfer. I’m so glad we have a date, and that so far this cycle for our donor will be a good one and we’ll get some good eggs to work with. I am excited, I swear! If I could just get over this stupid chemically-induced funk I’m in, I’d be able to articulate how excited for this transfer!

LOOK!! DON’T I SOUND EXCITED! BECAUSE I AM, DAMN IT!

Looking forward to some progesterone on the 24th to even out this hormonal roller-coaster.

At This Exact Minute….

P-Daddy is miles up in the sky flying his baby loving arse accross the big blue and to LosAngeles, where some time later this week he has a date with a petri dish. Be sure to bring flowers; I hear they are somewhat snooty.

Safe flight, P-Daddy! Make yourself at home, and I’ll see you in 10 days!

A Personal Lightbulb

Since I have nothing to hide, I guess I don’t really need to hide anything, right? Here goes. 

All public posts made public. And will be from here on out.

~sigh~

I am one ballsey beyotch. Well, I feel like one, anyway. It’s hard handing over the ammo, you know? But there isn’t a real bullet to dodge, and I’m not going give them one by hiding my journey; Making it something of an imagined weapon in and of itself. I know they read. I’ve seen the view stats. Now they know that I know. And now I know that they know that I know.

It’s late. That is my only excuse.

wheeeeeeeee!

It’s that time again!

Well here we are again! It’s time for that first E2V of this, our last cycle ( hopefully!!). It was like putting on an old pair of shoes. I got out the heating pad, prepped my syringe..

And we’re now officially back in the saddle again. I have cut out most caffeine from my diet, I’m working out regularly, drinking a lot of water… this will be THE time. Taking no chances. I’ve been on prenatals religously since the loss, have upped the iron in my diet.. This is it! I continue E2V ( estrogen) for another 2 weeks, then start daily progesterone when the egg donor goes in for retrieval. NOT looking forward to those daily shots. I’m still feeling them from our last cycle! But I’m excited just the same. You? Are you excited too??

 

One things for sure. I’m definately getting a manicure before the next photo!

 

Creepy Stalker-ish People *Update/Boogers and All*

Oh ick. Advice? Those voyeuristic stalkers I spoke of before just won’t leave well enough alone. Now they are tracking me down via false identities on Surrogacy Support Forums! Seriously! Am I wrong to be weirded out by that? I mean really.. false identities?? I just don’t understand.

What would you do?

 So this is the reply I got when I confronted that person about their stalker-ish behavior:

“since this seems to be the only way to know what is going on with you, this is the avenue I take.”

Now my gut reaction is to respond with a big fat BULLSH*T, as she has my phone number and knows how to use it. Then I remember how disgusted she was with me for undertaking a surrogacy journey with a “stranger” for compensation in the first place. She thinks nothing but negative about this whole life change and hasn’t been shy to express that. So why, I ask, would she want to follow along??? I’m searching deep in my soul to find a positive reason for her continued prying. Not finding much. My gut ( again. I must be just too focused on that area, huh?) says she’s looking for emotional ammunition to swap with her fellows. But then again..

 she IS my sister.

How much weight should I give that fact? And I harming the overall picture; the long term good, by keeping my story from her? Maybe.. maybe when it’s all done, when she sees the (pictures of, etc) new daddy, maybe that will change her thoughts about surrogacy. That IS what I want to do; get the word  out about the beauty of this process. Let people learn by watching.. you know? Show people just one of the beautiful ways a family can be created that isn’t in the little box that society calls “normal”.  But then again.. she’s my sister. I kind of expect unchallenged support from her, anyway. BECAUSE of that. Because my sisters; they know me. Well, I thought they did. I just don’t like the thought of the inevitable pow-wow they will throw ( if you’d ever met my sisters, you’d know what I’m talking about!) at every bit of information not sunshine and roses. Gleefully marinating in it. Stretching and skewing it till it’s unrecognised for what it is. What if I’m just having a “normal” bad day as a big pregnant woman? I know my sisters. They will be on the phone with each other the second my bad day becomes public ( via this blog or a surrogacy support site) and patting each other on the back for being so right in insisting that surrogacy is so wrong. I KNOW them. Do I want the thought of that haunting my every word? I want this site, and any support sites I’m on, to be real. Raw. True. Would it still be? Or would I ( perhaps unconciously, ) soften and pretty up what I’m saying, what I’m experiencing, to protect myself? Just to provide less ammo, while still providing a mostly accurate story?

I don’t want to do that!  I want to be me. I want this to be my story, boogers and all.

 So what should I do? Continue to password-protect? Continue to remain behind secure forum doors? Continue to keep my little world little, but safe? Or open the doors, share it all with everyone, knowing that for whatever harm it causes, it will hopefully provide much more good.. and ignore the booger pointers at the family reunion? I’m tempted… sorely tempted… to just remove all passwords ( except those posts that are just mine. I am that selfish!) and go streaking across the world wide web with this journey. Blunt, brutal honesty. And if you don’t like it, that’s your problem.

 This is how I responded to her:

[My]  journey is just that. MINE. It is mine to share or not to share. How dare you think you are “owed” any information about it at all. Do you see ME calling your Gyno to see how your last pap went? How about your work.. Should I call there and pretend to be someone to get a copy of your performance review? Or I could just collect your garbage; see if you have any overbalance credit cards or love notes to strangers. No. Because that is none of my business. And if you have an abnormal pap and are scared, or get a glowing ( or horrible) review at work, that is YOUR journey to choose to share or not. How dare you think you have a right to that same, personal, confidential, life information about me. That is MY story. To share, or not to share. You aren’t OWED one second of it.

.

.

.

So now a decision. To share? For the greater good? Or not to share? For the good of myself?

Awesome Blog, Awesome Post

An L&D nurse speaks out.  All great points. Things my heart hears. Go. Read. And check out the rest of her blog!

Table for…. Five?

The Plan: Birth control till the first, then happily inject my E2V lovin’ arse every 3 days starting April 5th. Get lining check on the 17th. Daily progesterone poking orgy starts around the 18th. If all goes as planned… hop onto the twitchiest direct flight to L.A. all month on the 24th, 25th or 26th and grab a baby to grow!!

 This trip is already looking to be awesome, in every way. A pile of ladies from an online support forum are all transferring at the same time, so there should be a good handfull of us at the hotel with our feet up together! Poor P-Daddy!! The lone man amongst the estrogen-enhanced. Things are also a little bit different in that this time. We’ll be transferring 3 day embryos, and TWO of them ( unlike the single 5 day blast we transferred last time). That will make things interesting! Not only is there the TWO issue to be all nervous/excited ( whatever) about, we’re transferring 3 day embies. This means it will be a FULL WEEK before I can safely start peeing on things at random ( pregnancy tests being the goal, but whatever). A week that will, I’m sure, feel like an eternity. I only needed to wait 5 days last time and even then was hounded ( *ahem*) to start earlier.  (Not that I wasn’t already.)

Areeeee Youuuuu READY??