I guess that IS what a 19 actually looks like… a 19 that has fallen from higher numbers.

 Todays result: 8.6

It didn’t work. A “chemical pregnancy” or just an embie that didn’t want to stick around, either way it totally BLOWS. Also, this e-mail from the clinic didn’t make me feel any better:

 We definitely need to go over the cycle and see why we did not conceive

Which feels very much like an accusation, but I’m sure it’s just standard procedure. Not that my brain knowing that will pull the hurt out of my heart any. I just REALLY wanted this to work. Really. And it didn’t. And I don’t know what I could have done to make work. All I know is my body didn’t grow this baby, and that is just SUCH a crappy feeling.

GAH.

First response, not supposed to register anything till 25….. Not only a line, but one that’s pink. Yes, it’s faint. But for an early HPT, it’s decently dark. For the average woman, tomorrow would be the “first day of missed period”.

So I’ve decided to skip all the fantastic posts that have been rolling around in my head in favor of jumping right in to where we’re at now, as OMG.

Transfer was fantastic. It was a week of such caring and bonding and… well it was a magical week. On Wednesday we transferred one beautiful hatching blast, and I was very confident that things were going well!

We did all of the “lucky” things, like eating two desserts on day of transfer, along with eating french fries…. I think the goal is to bribe the little one into sticking around for a good 38 weeks, lol!

We even took the extra step to keep things a little light hearted.. Jaymee wore these fantastic finger less gloves and I wore matching knee socks! I’m sure we looked like crazy people, but it was really fun and appropriately silly for us to just have a giggle about the whole thing.

Also, since they made me wear the stupid hospital gown, I insisted that Jaymee do the same.  If I’ve got to go  all out in to the realm of ridiculous, so does she.

I flew home on Friday.. It was a long week! I didn’t plan to start testing till Monday, so of course I started Sunday. Negative, but Sunday is early. All day Monday was negative as well. Huh. And all day Tuesday. Finally super late Wednesday night I saw it! A super faint second line on my home pregnancy test!! WOO HOO!!! Thursday morning ( 8 days past 5 day transfer, for those of you counting) we got DIGITAL confirmation..

Well there is no mistaking that!! Digital pregnancy tests are the least sensitive test out there. They don’t register a result of pregnant unless your HCG count is 40-ish, so we were all very excited to get a positive there!

Friday I went in for my BETA blood work, to get an exact HCG count and confirm my pregnancy. With the single baby for P-Daddy I was…. 200 something? My old clinic was super happy to see anything over 100. But since this was a late bloomer ( I’d gotten positives at 5 days past transfer with both of P-Daddies transfers) I wasn’t expecting a high number. My guess was 108, but a more accurate guess would have been 90 or so.

You can imagine my surprise when our results came back… and it was nineteen. Yah, 19. Nineteen is NOT a good number. It’s also kind of impossible? If a digital test doesn’t register positive till 40, ish, how is a 19 getting me positive tests??!! What is going on??!! Did the lab call with 90 and the nurse taking the message hear 19? I am just so so confused.

So here I sit, 10 days past a 5 day transfer. I’m still getting faint double lines on my pregnancy tests and am out of digitals ( husband will be bringing more home when he’s done working). But even the regular two-lines pregnancy tests don’t register till 25-ish.

This was yesterday afternoon, a few hours after my body tested at 19:

Colors slightly enhanced to make that second pink line easier to see on a computer screen, but that does NOT look like a freakin’ NINETEEN to me.

So I’m confused. Baffled, even. Our next BETA draw is on Monday, so please please keep fingers and toes crossed that we get a better number then. Anything over 38 will be okay at this point…..

So.. I left for transfer, stayed a week, and during that week my husband single-handedly moved our family OUT of the rental and IN to our new home… and I didn’t get internet back till Yesterday. That is the short version. I’ve been wearing my pointer finger out updating as I can on facebook via my phone and it has been hell. Finger cramp and all that nonsense. So this may be a multi-part post to get us all back up to speed.

First, my ass. Remember my complaining? Like some tired old lady? Very very sad. Pathetic, even. Was full of shame at my weenie-ness with the injection issues. That is, till I had a conversation or deux and learned that HUH! Perhaps I’m having a REACTION! My last two cycles with P-Daddy I was using Progesterone In Sesame Oil. Somewhat thick and hard to plunge, but whatever. The new clinic gave me a synthetic version of Progesterone that is much thinner and easier to inject… however apparently my arse is going all organic on me and does not LIKE the synthetic version. Cripes, picky much?! But when it got to the point where I was walking funny and literally having trouble sleeping because of how huge the many swollen injection lumps were that I finally asked about switching it.  By the way, that is not an exaggeration. More than once I’d roll over and sit up alarmed because I’d rolled over onto a large spiked ball in the bed, only to realize once upright that duh. That’s my own ass. I am such a boob for not dealing with it sooner.

Exhibit A of my boobery:

Yes, those are my arse stretch marks. What of it? I never had bruising with any other cycle, never had this level of lumping… What the picture does NOT show, other than my actual butt crack, is the size of the lumps. Golf balls on steroids. Or something. In sweat pants you can SEE them when you’re behind me. Very very freaky.

Anywhoo, the new meds came and today is day three giving into my bottom’s need to remain natural. No new lumps or soreness, I’m guessing that within two weeks or so the old lumps should be gone.

AND……….. Greys Anatomy will be on in a minute. So a big LOL, this is actually how I’m going to end this post! Up NEXT…… Transfer week, and how the country mouse did in the big city.

First, WHAT in the name of all that is holy was I THINKING??!! Today is day four of progesterone, and I seem to have developed a wee bit of arse-jabbing forgetfulness. I woke up on Friday to the strangest sensation of having been beat in my sleep, Saturday I was sure of it, and today is Sunday.. I am seriously dreading the upcoming arse poke. It’s not the *poke* that hurts, but the bruise to the meat when the gallon and a half of progesterone is injected. Note to self, COOK>POKE>COOK>RUB. Do NOT deviate from the tried-and-true! I’m blaming it on older lump-meat. It’s just not as forgiving as it was two (!) years ago. I had a three-hour drive ( each way) today to go up and grab my mother for babysitting purposes in the upcoming days, and I am not even joking when I say that I nearly FELL DOWN when I got out of the car, so strong was the protest coming from my left arse. Gah. I’m such a weenie.

Second… I had to find a sitter because……. we’re TRANSFERRING on Wednesday!!!!! We ended up with a FANTASTIC retrieval (26) and a statistic finger-giving initial fert. report (17) so I am very much optimistic about this upcoming event. I fly out at a nice comfortable 11am tomorrow, and will fly home in time for dinner Friday. It will be a LONG week away from my kids, and I already miss them. I know they will have a BLAST with Grambonn and may not even notice I’m gone, but I sure will. I miss them already. But I am bound and determined to relax this week, take this transfer trip for the gift that it is and let my body rest to get ready to grow Miss Jaymee & Mr Dad a baby. Also, I am super selfish. We purchased a home and will no longer be the renters that we have been for the last nine years, and I “get” to miss out on the whole mess. My darling helpful husband and buddy from heaven have it all arranged, when I come home it will be to the new house. Yes, they are MOVING me while I’m on transfer vacation. Whoa. I get to come home just in time to put everything away, my absolute FAVORITE part of moving.. that’s not a joke. Re-arranging is something I look forward to like Christmas. Also, I got to go to IKEA today and make a fool of myself in the drapery department. Can this week GET any better???

Look how big they are getting!! And TEETH!!!

Some Intended Parents may be feeling a bit blue about how they are… feeling… right now. I made a handy dandy chart to clear things up, with an internet-hug bult in.

So the last 10 mornings have looked a little something like this:

Some of you know the balance that was required to get this ridiculous picture. Pinch-poke-balance-shoot ( and shoot again. damn that over flash!) plunge.  Luckily, carrying twins, albeit tiny ones, has left me with a nicely saggy pouch up front to do these AM Lupron shots, which have turned out to be a piece of cake. Super tiny needle, just a little bit of itch, no big deal. Except for the bitch. There is a whole lot of bitch in my house lately. I’ve said a lot of “because Mommy is Grumpy, and I don’t want to spank you” this week. It’s been fun.

But! Last night! We got a little bit of this!

Cooking the rump roast and warming the poke…………

With this fancy schmancy butt-cooker. Jaymee mailed me a FANTASTIC box stuffed full of feel-good-goodness, and this was one of the gifty-poos located inside. It’s a heat pack. I’ve also got a matching cool-pack and a gajillion home pregnancy tests ( and rainbow socks. Because they’re fancy. )

All of this in preparation for things like this:

The first of many dimple-place-pokes. We started Estrogen last night and am I giving a WHOOP now! I’m told the side effects of that F*^#ING awesome stuff we call Lupron will fall to the gutter now that I’ve started estrogen, and that makes me smile. A lot. Whereas before it was kind of a grimace from headache and general assholeish-ness. I’m excited. Transfer is set for the beginning of November.

…… And I LIKED it.

Today was day one of our cycle!!! WHOOP!!! I got up at sparrows fart to shower and get ready for the day a little early, because I had a 7am appointment on Skype with Miss Jaymee and Mr. Dad!  They got to watch my twichiness as I did my first ever belly Lupron injection, and I’ve gotta’ say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be! The needle is so thin that I really didn’t feel it, and other then some stinging/itching from the injection it’s self, It was a pretty simple easy task to undertake. Thank gawd, as I’ve got 3 more weeks of this fun stuff and I’ve got to do it early in the AM before kids wake up. I can’t piddly fart around like I do with the big Estrogen and Progesterone shots, getting up the courage to give myself the shot. ( those are BIG. LONG. FAT needles. ) There have been nights where that whole routine, with the heating and the courage grabbing and the injecting and the rubbing take me a good HOUR! So yah, this little tiny belly shot is no biggie! YAY! for first steps!

So. We’ve got an egg donor. We’ve got a transfer calendar. And as of yesterday, we’ve got an arse-load (literally) of medications just waiting for a nice warm place to call home…. and on Sunday morning, our ride begins!

This has been such an emotional past few months, with so many ups and downs and nail-biter moments, I just can not believe that it’s almost time.

And I’ll be honest, I’m decently nervous about the Lupron, and whole change in procedure in general. I know what I did last time, and I know it worked… this is all new. I’m a bit on edge about how new it is, and how my body will respond to it. Quite frankly, the nerves have sucked the snark right out of me. ( Sorry. I’m sure the snark will return, along with regular posting, when I get the eff’ over it all.) It feels like there is just so much riding on my body and how it reacts, it’s a lot of weight to worry about. Literally and figuratively. For some reason, I feel the responsibility so much more this time then I did with P-Daddy. It may be because I’m helping a Mama, or maybe it’s just because I really know now, after Ava and Amelia, how much is riding on my bodies willingness to do what it’s told.

But more then anything else? Frikkin’ excited, dude. Yes, I said frikkin’. It is appropriate. The Fed/Ex guy showed up and I was literally bouncing around with glee. Ran right up to my room to tear apart the box and carefully comb through the contents, then ran back down stairs to fling the family in the car so that I could hunt around for the perfect organization for all of my new *toys*.

I had *so* much fun with this. Separating everything out, organizing it by item, then need, then ability of my children to access it and compromise the dog with it’s contents…..

Sunday. This show gets on the road officially on Sunday. Whoa, guys. I am totally gonna’ to make a Mama.