Pay It Forward

I have a family with an URGENT need for some FSH. If ANYONE out in the community has some FSH products that you’d be willing to pay forward to a family that has suffered, in order to help them pave the path to healing, please contact me!

Someone’s been busy…

While I’ve been busy not posting ( and I do have things to post about! I’m just lazy…) someone else has been busy… learning to crawl! Miss Ava will be up on her knees driving daddy bonkers any day now!

Oh, By The Way…

Cutie Compare

A Step at a Time

Well, it’s started. That “ready to cycle” cycle that happens before the cycle. I’ve purchased the first in my stepping stones down from my caffeine addiction and filled the pantry with half-caff and decaf coffee. Yum. I’ve also purchased the last addition to my twice weekly personal vacation; a *box of wine. Once it’s gone, it’s gone…. for at least the next year. Stepping down, getting ready to cycle…

 

*yes, I really did say a ~box~ of wine. I am nothing if not “thrifty”.

When it’s Smokin’ It’s Cookin’

Too many pots on the fire means all of my meals are a little bit burnt..

On the second of this month I flew down to Dallas to be greeted at the airport by Jaymee and her incredible mother. I spent a whirlwind mid-week in their beautiful home meeting the family, being (gratefully) over fed, and giving blood. Gallon after gallon of blood. Wednesday saw Jaymee and I at the Sher Institute for Reproductive Medicine where, after a SUPER long wait, we were brought back for some fun. It had to have been seventy two vials of blood, my arm was positively purple from the tourniquet being on for so long. I had to pee in a cup. Then I had to pee in a cup again when they threw out my original pee. WHO THROWS AWAY SOMEONES PERFECTLY DECENT CUP OF PEE??? And then the fun began.
You see, I had a date with the weenie wand.
Our transvaginal ultrasound was both fun and entertaining. As was the mock transfer. Both resulted in a satisfied RE and, while satisfied wouldn’t really describe my experience, I WAS taken out to dinner first, and again after….
But the best part? The part that made me literally squeal while still nekkid on the table?

GUESS WHO GOT A TRANSFER CALENDAR??!!

On August 30th, of this very same year that we are now experiencing, the true fun really begins. On that lovely day I will wake up and inject 10 units of Lupron directly into my belly. With a needle. In my belly. Did I mention that it was in my belly? Because it is. Now this is causing more then a little bit of freaking out to happen as this is very very new to me ( I didn’t have this drastic med protocol for either of my previous transfers but followed a more natural protocol) but I am refusing to acknowledge the freak out. So it isn’t happening. I will also start a daily dose of Dexamethasone, also something new to me. On September 8th I will start the twice weekly intramuscular injections of Delestrogen, which are a piece of cake and not something I’m worrying about. I was weepy last time, but the side effects were totally do-able. And I continue on this injection/medication path until……. at least the 22nd. You see, depending on how Jaymee responds, I could continue with the daily Lupron for several more weeks. As soon as we get some great eggs and grow some beautiful embryos to test, I will quit taking the Lupron and begin injecting Progesterone ( as well as administering progesterone….elsewhere). Then transfer. Then peeing a lot on things. Hopefully one of which is a pregnancy test.
This is a VERY different medication schedule then I’m used to. Lots of things happening and, of course, lots of freaking out happening because of the lots of different things. But I am also super excited. Excited to be starting, excited to see the birth of a new Mama, excited to be a part of something so incredible again.

New Life/ New World Administrators

Just wanted to send a word of caution out there to any surros or intended parents who are using or are considering using this insurance company. My surro twins are nearly 5 months old and I still have a large medical bill in their name due to nonpayment by New World Administrators. I am being aggressively pursued by collections agencies. I have been told on three separate occasions via e-mail and phone that “the bills have just been received for re-pricing and the checks will be mailed out with this weeks payments” and no payments have actually been sent. I was first assured of this two months ago. My phone calls and e-mails for this latest round of collections notices have not been returned.
I have been in contact with a group of surrogates who are also having problems with this company and we are considering banding together to form a class action lawsuit/ consumer fraud case. I welcome others who have had these issues to contact me so we can see what we can do together to get this resolved.

~Sigh~ I Am a Lame Boob: Let Me Count The Ways

*ahem*

So.. Sorry about that. The whole “lets not blog at all about stuff” kind of thing I pulled there. Not at all like……… No, actually wait. That is just like me. Never mind, not sorry.

So! Am told the girls are developmental geniuses, thanks entirely to the fact that my gestational abilities are beyond reproach. Or some such nonsense. Amelia happily holding up her head, Ava close behind her. Am uterine Gawd. Pedestal of own creation. Am literally glowing with pride and get way too much joy out of the frequent pictures sent to me by P-Daddy. Thankful isn’t a big enough word. OK really, I sound so full of myself. Sorry. It’s just, they aren’t my babies and I’m not raising them so this tiny fragment of connection is the only tie I have to claiming some of their awesomeness for myself. Which I’m totally not entitled to but gah. Gonna take it anyway.

Also! Contracts! My fab IM and her weird husband ( and I & my equally weird husband) have diligently had many a belligerent conversation via phone and Internet and voila! Law teams arse kicked! Contracts just about done! By this time next week we will more then likely have things all signed away. Can I get a Whoot and a bit of a squeeeeeeeee??!!

Big worries about going independent? Pshaw. Actually I never had any big worries, I just  feel like I was supposed to have big worries, you know? I mean yes, things can ( and maybe did a little) get awkward. We are, after all, discussing compensation, terms of termination, life support, and syphilis. Yes, I said syphilis. Yours truly gets to have a full and detailed STD panel run to make sure the junk is all in order. Which, of course, it is. See reference to deity status of uterus, above.  But! Just to make things clear! Well get an official diagnosis of gawd-like quality of other bits and pieces involved in this process. Independent? Shmindependent. Cake, so far.

However, next up in super-fun things happening? Myself and my patient husband will soon be taking an epic vacation to the city of sin to partake in some of said sinfulness ourselves. No worries, my status as clean uterine gawd is not in jeopardy. However, my liver may suffer a wee bit of a setback as I fully intend to spend my first vacation with the husband away from the kids in a near constant state of pickle. They have alcohol by the yard in Vegas, did you know that? Giant cup that clips on to a necklace so you can get so drunk that you don’t even need to hold your beverage up??!! Awesome. It is a reconnection vacation of sorts, and we need it. My daughter is nearly five, the last year and a half of surrogacy was a wee bit straining, and dang. Not pregnant or nursing. Am going to imbibe in my overdue share of hedonistic activities. Thanks.  Do the silly grownup acting like a silly child thing. Am very much looking forward to it.

And then? Then? You’ll never guess what happens……………. ha ha ha, teaser post! And knowing me, it could be WEEKS before I fill you in!!

I Know What You Really Want…

Damned if you Do; Horrible Heartless Money Hungry Baby Seller if you Don’t

It may be time, or way past time, to talk about the number one question from anyone and everyone I have come in to contact with throughout this surrogacy journey; How am I doing now.

The short answer? Good! And how are YOU doing?

But I know that no one will just take that and go. Dammit.

Me? I’m doing good! Great! And I have been, from day one. P-Daddy stayed here near me with his little ones for a full three weeks. I got to see them almost every day. I got to change diapers, sniff baby heads, hold hands, look at faces, and marvel at their perfection in tiny packages. I got to watch them meet their grandmother for the first time. I got to watch their daddy give their first bottle. I got to see him snuggle and sniff, all on his own. So when it was time to usher the group to the airplane… I also got to watch them go home. Home, the goal of this whole journey; to get the new family home. I dropped and “ran”, not lingering at the airport. And I had a wee little weep in the car in the parking lot as I sat and waited for their plane to fly away. Not a sad weep, but tears acknowledging the change in my life. No longer a surrogate. No longer carrying or caring for those two little darlings. And if I’m being completely honest ( which, might as well. It’s only the Internet, ha ha…) no longer special. Yes, a part of the draw and passion for surrogacy is fueled by that feeling of being special. Of being able to do what many can’t. And when that new family got on that airplane? For a second I became just a pudgy lady, blotchy faced sitting in her car, and that’s about it. So I had a tiny weep. And got over it. Everyone is entitled to a “poor me” moment, and that was mine. Came out of no where, and left just as quickly.

I read so many surrogacy blogs. I really thought I was prepared for that moment; prepared for life after surrogacy. And I wasn’t, not at all. But not in the way you’re thinking. I just……. went back to my life. I wasn’t sad, not how I though I’d be. I didn’t have a second of depression or regret. If anything, it solidified my decision to not have any more children of my own.  I get pictures a few times a week. I hear from P-Daddy on our surrogacy support forum just as often. I dont’ miss them. OK, that’s a lie, I miss them. But I don’t miss them being my responsibility. I don’t miss feeling like I need to share my time with them like I did in those weeks after their birth. I didn’t realize how bitter sweet that time was until it was passed. I wouldn’t change a second of it, but I didn’t really stop being “pregnant” until they left. And yet… I feel like I’m expected to be upset. I’m somehow supposed to be sad and pining for them. The other surrogates I read, they had those moments. A little postpartum, moments of sadness. I didn’t get any of that and I feel like in some ways I’m judged for it. Like I’m lesshuman; like my ability to love is somehow flawed because it was so easy to do; “give them up”. And oh my gosh was it easy. And it’s not because I don’t love them. I do, all three of them in a most unexpected way. It’s just that… well that’s how it’s supposed to end, right? The new family goes home? So I wasn’t sad to see the ending be just exactly how it should be. I feel like I’m judged. Damned if you do feel all sad and weepy because ohmygawd who wants to feel sad? But if you don’t feel sad…….. heartless. “I could never give the baby away” is the most common response to surrogacy. So because I could, (and rather easily!) there must be something wrong with me. Defective. I must just be money hungry and don’t give a care about the child at all. Because if I cared… I’d be sad, right? I mean, what can I say about that? So I’ve said nothing. No posts for weeks, blog silence. I don’t know what to say because I know the answer I’ve got isn’t what you’re looking for. And I feel like my answer lessens me in your eyes. Look, it was easy. It was magical and perfect and life changing and EASY. Will it be that way for everyone? Hell no. I’m absolutely positive my journey was perfect simply because of how incredible P-Daddy is. He gave me all the time I wanted, all the time I needed, with his daughters. Gladly, and with a generous heart. He made *me* a part of the whole journey from the first. I wasn’t a womb, I wasn’t an employee. I felt, from the beginning, like a friend. So when my friend had to go home with his girls, I was sad.. but also totally excited for him! He finally gets to show off his daughters to *his* real world! His family and friends, all eagerly waiting for him back home!

I like being me. I like just being wife and mom. That’s my real world. So how am I doing? Great! Life is good, my children are rowdy, my house is messy, my husband is randy, my pants are tight, and I love every second of it. Easiest thing in the world; watching those girls go home with their daddy. It was like the fireworks at the end. Beautiful, breathtaking, wondrous, magical. And then it’s over, and you’re SO happy to have seen the fireworks, but it’s also nice to go back inside and crawl into your own bed. Fireworks are only magical because they end. If we saw them all the time, where would the wonder be? So Ava and Amelia are my fireworks. I get glimpses of them every now and then, and every time they take my breath away. But when the fireworks are over? I’m surrounded by home, and all of the people that make me who I am that make my life as beautiful and wondrous as it is, all on it’s own.