Snort Mama; Creating

When my husband and I decided we were ready to start expanding our family, I threw myself into the “project” with the same ferocity that I do with every other goal in my life; full steam ahead. We both came from larger families ( three siblings each, each parent coming from a much larger family of 6-7 children) and I just knew that things would go smoothly for me. Those first few months of negative pregnancy tests were difficult to deal with, but well within the realm of normal. When we inched close to that year mark of unsuccessful pregnancy tests, I got concerned. When we passed that year mark, I got scared. Why? WHY was I unable to get pregnant? All my research, my careful timing….. we should be well on our way to holding our child by now! When my sister announced her pregnancy after just one month of trying, it tore me apart. What was WRONG? At the urging of our family practitioner, husband and I both went in to get some tests done. Turns out I really don’t ovulate much. Cycles from 28 to 90 days, and half of the time no eggies were dropping. But the final nail in that coffin; the thing that drove me over the edge into some real depression, were the results of my husbands testing. Seriously low count, very poor motility and morphology, real issues with abnormality……. we were advised by our RE to consider IVF or other means of growing our family. Right away I threw myself into the project. Husband started on a strict regime of medications, both homeopathic and prescription. I snatched up a prescription for an ovulation inducing drug; Clomid. I began researching international and local adoption laws and requirements. I threw myself in to the project with a relish, every avenue explored.

My niece was born in late January. Her birth was more sweet then bitter, but the bitter was there. The joy I felt for my sister and the instant love I felt for this tiny being she had created was incredible and unexpected, even as that joy chewed a little bit on the empty hole I felt in my soul. I didn’t know it then, but three weeks later I would learn that I was pregnant.

Seeing those two little lines on that pregnancy test was quite possibly the most surreal experience I’ve ever had. I had spent hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests over the last 18 months. It was during a routine “might as well check” test that the ever evasive second line showed up, and I’ll admit to thinking it was an error, at least for a few hours. I peed, took a shower, and looked at the results. Huh. What? I waited two hours and tested again. Two more lines. I went to work, left after a half day, and tested again. Two. Lines. I drove to the book store and purchased a book; “My Boys Can Swim” for my husband… and tested again. Two lines. I laid out all my positive pregnancy tests and the book on our bed and started dinner. Husband came home and gave me the usual cheek kiss and went into our bedroom to change. He was in there a long time. When he came out the look on his face was just priceless. His boys could swim, and we were, indeed, pregnant.  One and a half years later we were shocked to see another two lines, and this time without even trying.

I spent a very short time in the hell that is infertility. But I was there; I experienced it, and it was one of the darkest times of my life.  I’m not sure how much deeper into that hole of hell I would have fallen, and I am so so blessed that I don’t  have to find out. But the hurt, even for that short time, will always be there.

Shortly after my second transfer with P-Daddy that resulted in the beautiful princesses below, I met Jaymee. I had been trolling infertility and then surrogacy blogs for years, ever since we fell into that infertility hole ourselves. When I met Jaymee on-line, she was alone. New to the surrogacy world, Jaymee was without a support system, without an infertility/surrogacy family. I invited her to join my surrogacy support forum, and was hooked. I’ve stalked her blog ever since. I was struck at once with the sadness of her situation, and hooked by the beautiful and positive outlook she had on the whole thing. I just knew that some day? She was going to be an incredible mother. And an incredible intended-mother to her surrogate.

The first time I seriously thought about working with Jaymee and her husband was after reading this blog post. That hurt? I kind of know what that feels like. A little. Other posts, like this one, just furthered that desire. But it wasn’t till after Ava and Amelia were born, till I’d experienced what it felt like to actually do it; create a family, that my decision was made. By the grace of gawd or any other deity that may be listening, I was going to make that woman a Mama. See a need, fill a need. Turns out, I didn’t need to cyber stalk her as aggressively as I’d planned.

Our first phone conversation lasted over three hours. Three good hours. Luckily, Jaymee is just as twitchy, painfully optomistic, goofballish and eclectic as I am! An easy woman to talk to, slipping into that “should we do it” mode was simple to do. After getting the official “hell yes!’ from my own husband I just had one more hurdle to jump over before things between Jaymee and her family & I became solid.

I had to talk to P-Daddy.

Worried. That sums up how I felt about bringing this up with P-Daddy. It had only been a few weeks since he and the ladies had flown home, it was very soon. I was worried… would he resent me moving forward with different IP’s? Would he feel like I was cheating on him? I will admit, if P-Daddy were to choose a different surrogate should he lose all mental stability and decide to have more children, I’d be hurt. He’s MY intended father. Childish, yes. But I’d be hurt just the same. Would he feel the same way about me carrying for Jaymee and her husband? I would understand if he did. And while I felt like it was apples and oranges as far as journeys are concerned ( two different motivations to help, two very different families created) I could understand if he was hurt. And if he were hurt? I’d never do it. Of course, I worried for nothing. P-Daddy, true to form, could not have been more supportive of my desire to help Jaymee. He knows her through our forum as well, and he was nothing but positive in his encouragement of our match.

So. I will be doing this again, it seems. I am quite sure that there will be no further journies for me unless either family loses their mind and wants to grow a sibling. I feel……. at peace. Content. I feel like by matching with Jaymee, by helping grow her family, that now tiny hole in my soul that was created when we suffered through our small fight with infertility will be healed. P-Daddy and the girls made a huge difference, and I think Jaymee and her child will finish off the job.

So this fall the journey begins. And I could not be more excited.

I Know What You Really Want…

Discuss:

Amanda made a comment on my previous post that I thought was worth sharing up front:

It is nice to see a positive article on surrogacy.  One thing I noticed however is how much “talk” is put into the biological aspect of choosing surrogacy over adoption.  I believe for many that that is just a small piece of the puzzle…that there are bigger reasons why people choose surrogacy and not adoption.  Since you have this article on your blog I thought I might add what I think are major driving factors:

 

1.  NOT EVERYONE can adopt!  Funny how people think that adoption is the anwser, but honestly not everyone is accepted.  Single parents, Gay Parents, Parents who are not in 100% tip top shape healthwise, often times can’t adopt.  Private adoptions often times the bio-mother chooses the adoptive parents…they look for healthy parents, cripes they can get really choosy and look for certain religious backgrounds.

 

2.  Adoption is a BIG risk.  IVF can fail, but so can adoption.  If you thought a miscarriage was hard, think about finally having your dream in your arms, caring for it for 29 days (or 3 months, depending on what the procedure is where you live), and then all of a sudden that child is ripped from you on the eleventh hour.  The bio-mom changes her mind….your dreams are shattered.  That baby you come to love is taken back…I watched my sister in law go through this…it was horrible, like the death of a baby in the family.

 

3.  Often times with adoption comes the Bio-mother.  Now I get in ideal surrogacy arrangements it would be nice if every team member remained friends and kept in contact, but in adoption it has a different feel, I believe, the bio-mother will always have that “thing” that the adoptive mother doesn’t. It’s awful to have to always wonder if your being judged by the bio-mother.

 

4.  It’s difficult to get newborns, most adoptions are not newborn or even babies, and it’s a long waiting list often times.

 

5.  Surrogacy helps to ensure the health of the baby.  Often times bio-moms are in desperate situations, they didn’t plan for the baby to be, they might have even done bad things and not known they were pregnant, or didn’t care.  Babies come out with problems.  Surrogates (though there is never a guarentee) generally are in good health, take care of themselves prior and during pregnancy, take the proper pre-natals, eat the right things, don’t drink/smoke/drugs, etc.

 

6.  Surrogacy allows Intented Parents to experience the pregnancy as much as they can. Need I say more?  It also allows them to experience and be apart of the delivery….I think that pretty much says it all….who wouldn’t want to be apart of all that?

 

7.  Surrogacy, at least Gestational, with the help of science can help to prevent disabilities in babies and children.  If your a risk factor for certain things, there are tests available to test embryos and/or sperm/eggs.  With adoption often times you do not know the genetic history of the baby, who died of what, does cancer run in the family, etc.

 

These are all very big reasons for choosing surrogacy over adoption, much bigger than the “genetic link” that people constantly refer to and use against those who persue surrogacy by saying the parents to be are “vein” that they “have to have a genetic link”, etc. etc.

Surrogacy: Your bun, her oven…Is it right for you?

by Agency for Solutions

Most of us have been planning it our whole lives….marriage, house, family. Except what happens when it doesn’t play out that way and six months, even six years later you’re still trying for that baby? Your Reproductive Endocrinologist (aka RE) says your eggs look great, but for whatever reason you can’t get pregnant, or if you do, you miscarry. Your doctor or a friend suggests surrogacy. You shake your head, that’s something only celebrities do — but that’s not necessarily true.

 There are many reasons why people pursue surrogacy. Some women have known since birth that they can’t bear a child, while others may have battled cancer or had hysterectomies along the way. When faced with infertility, it is often the only real choice to become a parent outside of adoption. Unfortunately, the media has stirred up a lot of unnecessary fears about surrogacy. We’ve all seen the movies where the surrogate pretends to be pregnant and takes the couple for an emotionally and financially devastating roller coaster ride. Or maybe your local News team aired shocking reports about a surrogate who wants to keep the baby. Well, as former TV producers, we can tell you — it’s just not that interesting to talk about a surrogacy that works. The truth is, that’s what happens with most surrogacies…they work.

The strongest reason for pursuing surrogacy versus adoption is the ability to retain a biological connection with your child. With surrogacy, you have the option to be the biological parent. Of course there are some situations where an egg donor, sperm donor or both are used but even in these cases, surrogacy offers a unique advantage that adoption can’t. With surrogacy, you get to play a significant part in the prenatal care of your baby. You can be there to hear the first heartbeat, you’re present at the 18-week ultrasound to find out your baby’s gender and perhaps most importantly, you can be at the birth to hear your child’s first cry. In many states, your name goes directly on the birth certificate (an agency or lawyer can help you with this information). Basically, since it is a contractual relationship, the baby is yours even before the embryo is transferred to the surrogate’s uterus. You get to make medical decisions and have input in the pregnancy. And unlike an adoption, the surrogate cannot change her mind or take the baby back.

There are two kinds of surrogacy. In a gestational surrogacy, the carrier has NO biological connection with the baby. In a traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is genetically related to the baby. Our personal preference is gestational surrogacy. Sure, it is more expensive — you need to add a reproductive clinic into the equation — but the laws are clearer and the environment is much more controlled. When a reproductive clinic is involved, there’s no chance of ‘faking’ a pregnancy – which unfortunately sometimes happens with traditional surrogacies where home inseminations are done to achieve pregnancy. Even so, in both types of surrogacies, you will need to work with the proper professionals – agency (unless you go independent and that comes with its own challenges), clinics, lawyers, psychologist, escrow company, etc. to ensure that you have a positive experience and outcome. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to overcome with surrogacy is the cost. Unfortunately, there is no way around it… it is a very expensive journey. Most people save for years, mortgage their homes, and borrow the rest from banks or family members, to pursue it. But in the end, when you are holding your child or children, it’s all worth it. While this all may sound daunting, it can be done. Many couples and singles are becoming parents via surrogacy every day. It’s no longer just an option for celebrities. And in many ways, it’s an even surer path to parenthood than adoption, so don’t rule it out when you think you’ve got no choices left at all.

 

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Short but sweet. It’s nice to finally run into a real, accurate glimpse into surrogacy.  Despite what most of society seems to believe, the bulk of intended parents are average Joes; real people who want to have a family.  It’s good to see a tiny article that isn’t a doom and gloom for once.

It’s Like A Rollercoaster That You ALMOST Puke On, But Not Quite

You get on and you’re all nervous. Seat-belt buckled, deep breath in. Then it starts moving and you’re waiting.. anticipating…. that first hill is a doozy… you crest the top and SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE you’re on the ride of your life, whipping around corners, soaring to new heights and plummeting down so fast you can’t catch your breath. It’s exhilarating and life affirming. You step off the ride and immediately find a trash can; your stomach is still riding. As you stand there inhaling the stale fries and day-old trash trying not to add your lunch to the heap, you get one clear thought.

I want to do THAT again!