OB D&C Exit Interview

Had my 2 week D&C checkup today which was more like a fun conversation with a buddy then a stressful embarrassing OB moment. I am just so pleasantly pleased at how my OB chooses to approach things!

Physically, find and dandy. Things are back to pre-hormone normal. Looking good ( well, actually couldn’t say how things look, since my angle was all wrong… ha ha. It’s a joke, people!)

Emotionally, somewhat fine as well! I’m past the loss stage. That pregnancy is over and while the end is sad, it was an experience I’m grateful for having. No, not grateful that I had to lose a child, no matter whose child it was. But grateful to have learned what I did about my support system; friends and family in real life and in the computer, as well as in the medical profession. Optimistic hag that I am, I’m looking for and have found the silver lining. I really do have a great group of people around me, and I have a medical staff that I can trust all the way. Those are both good things to know. There are still those lingering “failure” whispers in my ear..but I’ll just speak loudly and hum a lot to drown them out. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I know it. So there’s nothing more to be said there.

We also went over the issue of the tissue. While a lot of tissue ( and I mean a lot) was collected, it was almost completely my tissue. There were some fetal villi and maybe a tiny bit of placenta, but the rest had kind of gone the way nature intended and dissolved. This means that the results of the Karyotype testing will more then likely be inconclusive. Because the samples were so small chances are my genetics will be tested rather then the child’s. We will get the full Karyotpye report in 2 or so weeks. Until then, I’m in limbo. P-Daddy may need to go with a new surrogate at the urging of our RE, but we won’t know how our RE feels till the results are in.. so we wait.

Much thumb twiddling happening. And while twiddling can be fun.. after a few weeks it just causes cramps. Really, who likes cramps? Must take up toe-tapping……..

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Neeeeeext!

So here we are, on the other side. An update-ish posty post for those following along.

We’re waiting for the test results. That will be in 4 to 6 weeks. Ick. I hate waiting. Those results will determine the next step for me, but I’m gonna play pretend right now and give some “hopefully” predictions.

We need to wait for me to have two normal cycles before I can cycle again for another IVF round. So 8 to 10-ish weeks from now I’ll be ready to try again. In the mean time, I believe ( and correct me if I’m wrong!) P-Daddy has decided to have a fresh donor cycle as well, hopefully with the same donor ( again, depending on the test results) or with a new one. That gives me relief. I was worried about the time and emotion put out there for each cycle, and cycling with just one “kind of OK” frozen embie made me nervous. Fresh is best! I also think ( yes, correct me, etc. ) that P-Daddy has decided to go ahead and transfer 2 for his next cycle. Really ups his chances of a healthy wee one, with the additional nerve wracking possibility of twins.  I’m not worried about carrying two and, while it will be HELL for the first year, I really think P-Daddy, with the awesome support system he has in place, will survive two as well. A risk worth taking.

So that is where we are. Waiting. Planning. Healing. There is sunshine on the horizon and damn it if I’m not running in that direction. Lets just hope I don’t trip over my own feet, shall we?

Past

Had a somewhat urgent D&C today. My awesome and wonderful OB carefully collected plenty of “tissue” to do the Karyotype testing.

Thank you. Thank you God, that is over.

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An Irrational Rant for my Rational Readers

I understand that this is not the best time for a rant. But really, when better? Horrible things happened. I’m allowed to react horribly, if only for a minute. So here are my irrational and wandering thoughts. Not sure if they make sense to anyone but me, but I need to get them out. *Warning* Childish cursing to follow:

If you didn’t love and support this baby while it was alive, don’t you DARE contact me now, now that it is dead, with your empty and pathetic “show of support”. You assholes. You just want to be the ones to “pick up the pieces” so that you get the glory of having “been there to help me in my time of need”. Fuck you. You weren’t there. You weren’t there. You weren’t there.

I called who I called because they were THERE for me. Weather or not they thought surrogacy was a good idea, they were there FOR ME. I have an awesome support system in place. You butt-hurt because you weren’t on my list of available shoulders to cry on? Why would I call you? You want nothing to do with this pregnancy or this baby. But now? Now that it’s DEAD? You all of the sudden care? You know what? Care when I see the heartbeat for that first time. Care when I’m gleefully dealing with morning sickness or outgrowing my clothes. Care when the baby is ALIVE. It was much more important and needing of that love and concern when it’s little heart was still beating. Now? Now you care? Fuck you. 

Yesterday, I cried a lot. I cried out of confusion, out of pain, out of guilt. Irrational, but still. This baby died. On my watch. It was my turn to take care of it, and it died. My fault? No. I know that, but still, it was on MY watch. And I don’t know why. Why? Why why why why???

Today? I’m done crying.  I have cried for this wee one, and I am happy it is on it’s way to whatever it was destined to do. I’m not religious, but I find myself thinking spiritually in times like these. Maybe this baby has served it’s purpose, and now it’s on to something better. I hope so. I know I am a changed person for having this brief time in it’s life, and I know that change is a good one.

No, today I’m just angry. Angry that I don’t know why, angry that there was nothing I could do to prevent this. Angry that P-Daddy has to go through this, angry that I can’t go over and give him a hug. Angry that people who have previously shown such disdain now think they are deserving of being my comfort. I’m angry. It’s irrational, but it’s still there. 

So I started bleeding today. And cramping. And bloating all of the sudden. And I have a migraine. I can’t get in for a D&C till Tuesday. So if I have a full miscarriage before then, I have to collect the “tissue” and save it in a salt water bath to bring in for testing. I have to collect the “tissue”. Somehow, it’s “tissue” now and not a body. When does it stop being a body and become tissue? Does it require a birth first? See? Even that pisses me off. It’s not “tissue”. It is the much loved and desired body of a baby. Don’t trivialize it like that. And I have to collect it.

 So today I’m irrational and angry. But it gets better, I’m told.

The End

No heartbeat today, baby still looks perfect, measures 8 weeks 2 days. Just no heartbeat. I have to schedule a d&c as my uterus is still filling with fluid, but no baby.

I’ll write more later.

I am so so sorry P-Daddy. There are no words. I’m sorry.