Over Achiever

8 02 2010

Went in today for our follow-up BETA test.

Okay, so ever since I lost that wee little one of P-Daddies, I don’t trust pregnancies. Positive test, yah. Decent BETA number, great. But you really never know when/why/how a pregnancy could end.. be it birth or death. It’s horrifying to me, and I only had to do it once! So I really really want to be just plain excited about this pregnancy. I really really want to just be happy and peaceful and positive about it, because growing a little someone is just simply magic.

We got our BETA results back, and I’ve decided to just fake it till I feel it. Our number was 239…. That’s a doubling time of just over 41 hours, a really great result. It means that today right now this second, this is a happy healthy little bub who is growing just as s/he should.  That is something to feel joy about. Which I do. I’ve decided to…. um…. refuse to feel trepidation or nervousness about the next 9 or so weeks that we’ll still be in the “danger zone”.  Danger zone? What danger zone? We’ll call it, instead, the….. dancing zone ( as in dancing with joy?) or the… dunking zone ( as in, I just know my head will make it to the toilet more then a handful of times in the coming weeks) or the…. delightful zone. Or something. I have decided to give in my need to be painfully optimistic. I have decided to give in to the happy and joy. I’ve got to. Happy vibes and hormones are good for you and I am, after all, pregnant.





And Then There Was One……….

5 02 2010

So, transfer. First, I want to discuss the urban myth that RE’s are high pressure assholes. Everyone knows this is not true. No real RE would pull an uber-jackass move and insist a transfer was destined to fail unless multiple embryos are transferred. One absolutely wouldn’t do so when their client is laying nekkid on the table, legs strapped down, spotlight of shame in place along with a speculum placing some super comfy pressure on an over-full bladder. Everyone knows this doesn’t really happen in the real world…..

Oh wait………..

Yah, that happened. We have always said one embryo. Always. There has never been any discussion of more than one embryo. We were super thrilled to learn of how healthy our little frosty was after thaw, the embryologist was full of praise and gave us some pictures and everything, it was awesome. Then there I am, strapped down, lady bits hanging out with the tools of the trade in place, when the RE leans out the door and calls for the embryos. Embryo(s). As in, more then one. Whaaaaaa……..?? Jaymee sits up and says we’re only transferring ONE, right? We agreed to just transfer ONE… and this is when the RE turned in to a giant jackass. Giant. He hemmed and hawed and acted like we’d just shot ourselves in the head at that moment, stating the low statistical success rates bla bla bla… he was totally unethical and in appropriate, especially since Jaymees husband, the father of these child(ren) wasn’t present for this discussion and I was, you know, already naked on the table. In the end we did (just) transfer one beautiful healthy little blast, goe a very heartfelt “good luck” from the embryologist, and headed our way back to Casa de Jaymee-family to wait out the rest of the day in peace, our heads swimming at how poorly that was handled.  It was a weird transfer experience, to say the least. That night we met up with some sassy ladies from a mutual online surrogacy support group for one of the most fun and giggle inducing evenings I’ve ever had. It was really wonderful to spend some real-life time with these ladies, whom I have been friends with online for two years.

So transfer happened. Because we were bit pretty hard by the pee-on-a-stick bug last time and it just dug our pity-hole deeper then it needed to be, I had decided NOT to do home pregnancy tests this time. I would hold out for the early BETA we’d scheduled. That solid resolve lasted all of 5 days. A late night call with one of my best buddies, who also happenes to be a pee-on-a-stick addict and all around bad example, had me driving over to Wal*Mart after 11pm to purchase me some pee tests. I didn’t make it out of the store, going straight into the bathrooms there to do the deed. Classy. That’s me.

So. 5 days past the transfer of a 5 day embryo, a frozen one at that and one that our RE assured us was doomed to failure because it wasn’t one of a pile being transferred…………..

I saw this.

The layman may  not see it… so here’s the 6dp5dt pee test….

Again, may be hard to see for those of you not trained in the special brand of eye strain necessary for true pee-on-things obsession… Maybe this will make things easier….

That was yesterday. Todays two First Response pregnancy tests developed a results line BEFORE a test line. Crazy dark pink. So when I got the results back form our two days early BETA, I wasn’t surprised to hear the giant number of 71. Yes folks, seventy freakin’ one. That, at eight days past a 5 day FROZEN transfer? Is one super duper fantastic awesome number. It’s good. Really really good.

I go in for a second BETA test on Monday, to make sure this number is doubling… which it will be. I am so confident in this one, I really do think that this little bub I’m growing is the one. This is her baby. Their baby. Finally.

Let the countdown begin, Mama. You’re baby will be home soon.





Well, We Did It!

31 01 2010

There is a story to tell. Unfortunately, I am a horrible procrastinater ( bet you didn’t guess that one…) and it will have to wait. I’m late for work!





Nail Biting and Ulcers. No Whammies!

26 01 2010


So tomorrow, at sparrows fart way before the sun wakes up for the day, I will be loading on to an airplane on a trip down to Dallas to hopefully do a little something that will make me gain a good 35 pounds. It may or may not involve sushi. I can guarantee, chocolate.

I am decently nervous this go-around. I’m hesitant to be my normal super optimistic self as that seems to bite me in the arse quite a bit, and last time it bit my fantastic intended parents in the ass as well. And their whole family. DAMN my foolish half-full glasses! I know it’s not really under my control, but I am feeling so very very pressured to “perform”. Not at all from my intended parents, but from myself. It was so easy with P-Daddy… transfer and BOOM. Pregnant. I feel like, with this one transfer failure after some faint positives, that I’ve engaged in a little false advertising of some sort. They were counting on me, all of them, grandparents and great-grandparents included, to do a little something. And I didn’t. As much as I wanted to, I didn’t. So yah, I’m kind of full of a wee bit of YOU SUCK right now, which more then likely is the reason I really don’t have much to say about the whole brou-ha-ha. I am SO excited. I want this SO bad. But. I’m nervous. I want everything to go right for my trip down this time. I don’t want to haul around another load of guilt for being so taken care of while there when I can’t even manage to do the little chore they are asking me to do. I just don’t want any more suck right now, mmmkay?

I’ve decide y’all are just going to have to be super optimistic for me, allrighty then? YOU get to have unwavering faith that this transfer will work, or if it doesn’t that that was truly what was meant to happen, or something along those lines. All the weight is on your shoulders this time around, okay? Send those positive thoughts, vibes, or whatever right this way. On Thursday I really really need to get pregnant. So you get right on that, okay? I’ll let you know when it works….





Let’s Try That Again, Shall We?

6 01 2010

We’re up and at it again! I’ve been on lupron for two-ish weeks and last night did my first E2V injection… squeeeeeeee!! I’m feeling really good about this transfer, fingers and toes crossed and all that jazz. Now that the holidays and all that mess are behind me I feel ready to tackle my next big thing, and that big thing is TRANSFER. It WILL work this time. It will.





364 days and a Lifetime

29 12 2009

A year ago today, I gave birth to two of the most beautiful little princesses the sky has ever seen. Ava and Amelia came screaming into this world ready for big things, and they are well on their way to getting there!

I don’t know how to express how proud I am of these two very different, very special little ladies. Ava, you are the sunshine. Your smile lights up my computer screen and makes my heart happy every time I see it. Amelia, you are the sky. Your happy personality shines through in every update your daddy sends me, and it reminds me of the simple beauty in everyday life. I love you two so much, and I am so thrilled that today, you reached a big milestone in turning one. I just know you’re taking the world by storm, charming and blessing every person in your life just by being you. This world is a bigger place than you know, and I very much look forward to watching you explore it.

I love you, ladies. Happy Birthday!

Miss Sabrina





Munchies

5 12 2009

I am just blown away at how big the girls are getting.  P-Daddy is fantastic and sends me regular updates on how the ladies are doing, with pictures. I thought I’d share a few with you! Aren’t my surro-girlies beautiful!!?

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Shortest Update in the History of Blogging

28 11 2009

Started BCP’s again for a January frozen transfer. I’m kind of bla about it. It has been an insane hellish month…. transfer and being gone a full week, moving and the chaos and headache that comes with it, learning the transfer failed, dealing with a pile of extra weight from the steroids I’ve been pumping into my body, expenses, the horrifying death of my best friends 2-year-old ( a piece of sunshine that I got to meet at the moment of his birth), traveling all over for that and the insane stresses that follow, and now what the hell. It seems it’s almost Christmas time.

So yah. It’s been just unreal. Really too insane to detail, because most of it I just don’t want to think about. But! I started BCP’s yesterday to try again to make a Mama in January. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.





Well, Shit.

16 11 2009

I guess that IS what a 19 actually looks like… a 19 that has fallen from higher numbers.

 Todays result: 8.6

It didn’t work. A “chemical pregnancy” or just an embie that didn’t want to stick around, either way it totally BLOWS. Also, this e-mail from the clinic didn’t make me feel any better:

 We definitely need to go over the cycle and see why we did not conceive

Which feels very much like an accusation, but I’m sure it’s just standard procedure. Not that my brain knowing that will pull the hurt out of my heart any. I just REALLY wanted this to work. Really. And it didn’t. And I don’t know what I could have done to make work. All I know is my body didn’t grow this baby, and that is just SUCH a crappy feeling.

GAH.





Does this look like a flippin’ 19 to YOU??!!

14 11 2009

Not-A-Nineteen

First response, not supposed to register anything till 25….. Not only a line, but one that’s pink. Yes, it’s faint. But for an early HPT, it’s decently dark. For the average woman, tomorrow would be the “first day of missed period”.